


hold my hands as i'm lowered

by dblckparade



Category: His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - His Dark Materials Fusion, Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Greek Mythology - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Suicide, MiSaMo as sisters, Resurrection, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2020-11-22 21:50:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20881235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dblckparade/pseuds/dblckparade
Summary: Mina doesn't want to scare the little girl— there is blood inside her mouth, behind her eyes, in her lungs— so she squeezes her chubby leg instead in reassurance.Myoui Mina dies saving a stranger. It's not the best way to die but it's a good one.





	1. your cold hands are clutching at cloth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xylomylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylomylo/gifts), [long_live](https://archiveofourown.org/users/long_live/gifts).

> trigger warning: mentions of death, suicide, blood, gore, swearing. 
> 
> Please avoid if this triggers you! You would understand this fic better if you have seen The Golden Compass or His Dark Materials as this fic is loosely based on that world. If you don't understand, here's an excerpt from Wiki:
> 
> _dæmon: a type of fictional being in the Philip Pullman fantasy trilogy His Dark Materials. Dæmons are the external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner-self' that takes the form of an animal. Dæmons have human intelligence, are capable of human speech—regardless of the form they take—and usually behave as though they are independent of their humans. Dæmons frequently interact with each other in ways that mirror the behaviour of their humans, such as fighting one another when their humans are fighting, or nuzzling one another when their humans embrace, and such contact between dæmons is unremarkable. However, human contact with another individual's dæmon is taboo._
> 
> P.S: When I first wrote this, I changed the characters' names into some random names so that it would be easier for me to write. The plot was kind of heavy and it was hard for me to imagine the girls die ;_; It also helped me properly characterize each girl better so I apologize in advance if you got confused with the name switch! I have triple edited them but please let me know in the comments if you still see it.

if you tuck the name of a loved one  
under your tongue too long  
without speaking it  
it becomes blood. —naomi shihab nye, from “hidden,” in fuel (boa editions, ltd., 1998)

* * *

res-ur-rec-tion  
noun  
a forbidden and selfish act of restoring the loved ones back from the dead  
payment: your soul in exchange of theirs.

.

It inaugurates like this.

Mina's sister is dead. Has been dead for the past 219 days but the grief is still fresh. Her heart is like a crevasse, a festering wound when Sana left. Mina remembers burying her, remembers watching her casket being swallowed by the ground. Camelai sits in her jacket pocket, heavy and reassuring.

It was raining that day, her shoes bedraggled by mud and grass stains. Mina stood at the edge of the crowd, both her girlfriend and best friend huddled beside her— the former holding an umbrella for the three of them because her hands were too torpid and the latter had her sharp nails digging into Mina's bicep like she was afraid someone might drag her along with the casket.

(like she was afraid Mina might jump to follow Sana)

Mina did not say her eulogy. She did not say anything at all.

.

She cleans up her room as a way to mourn for Sana's death. She throws away all of her teen posters, hides the Polaroids of Sana under her bed and burn all the notes she spent passing between classes with Jeongyeon.

Mina's parents don't say anything but their expressions give them away. They think Mina is betraying Sana's memories by forgetting her but _holy shi_t, how can you forget someone who had been a part of your life for as long as you can remember?

"There's nothing wrong with you." Camelai says steadily, even as his lean rabbit foot thumps the bed periodically, almost like a dog when she rubs his thick cashmere coat. "Everyone grieves in different ways. Yours happen to be capricious in nature."

Mina buries her nose into his comforting warmth, inhaling the scent of sandalwood and home. Camalei is her voice of reason. Mina cannot imagine what it would feel like not having her own daemon pressed up against her, whispering advice and soothing words when she gets too wrapped up in her thoughts and needs something to pull her out. An emollient and an anodyne to her open wounds. Mina thinks about Kim Taeyeon, the girl who lost her daemon in fifth grade, eyes listless and she clutches Camalei tighter.

.

She breaks up with Jeongyeon two weeks before the semester starts. In fact, Mina is the one to bring the topic up between them. Acts of dissimulation is not in her nature, especially when she is someone Mina once loved with every fiber of her being. Jeongyeon is her first love, will always be her first love. She is the first girl Mina kissed under the rain like that sappy romcom she remembers watching with her mother, the first girl she snucked into her room, the first heart she owns, the first—

Well, everything.

Looking at her used to hurt. Not looking at her hurts even more. But she woke up one day and the feelings she had for Jeongyeon fades. Mina wonders what happened to it.

Mina does not shed a tear after she drops the bomb and Jeongyeon does not beg her to stay.

"It's better this way," she intones, when Mina finishes her rehearsed speech and both of them runs out of things to say. Mina nods her head once, sharp and dazed. It's like she's having an out of body experience. 

As Mina walks back to her car, she can feel Jeongyeon's eyes burning holes at the back of her head, her daemon fluttering around Mina like he wants to stop her but Mina does not turn around. She drives and she does not look back.

Her shoulders droop inch by inch with every mile she drives away from her.

Afterwards, Camelai jumps onto her lap. He rubs his chin all over her jacket as a sign of possession.

.

Nayeon comes into Mina's room the same way she entered her life; sudden maelstrom. She chucks a floral dress from the wardrobe at her face, a clipped _get up, get dress, 10 minutes _and disappears again with a swish of her flirty skirt, heels clicking as she descends the stairs.

_It's better if you just do as she says_, Camelai informs Mina, amusement coloring his voice through the connection.

She obediently changes out from her post-breakup sweats and hoodie, puts on what little foundation and concealer she has left to hide the dark circles under her eyes. Nayeon sits on the couch, a compact mirror in one hand as she reapplies her ruby lip gloss. Mina has to tear her eyes away from the sight of those heart-shaped lips, feeling self-conscious.

Her fox daemon lays on four paws beside her feet, watching Mina with sharp and intelligent blue eyes. Camelai hops in his direction, climbing up the fox's back and nipping at his ear to say hello. Except for a twitch of his ear, Valerian turns a blind eye. She stands patiently until Nayeon finishes reapplying before asking where they're going.

"Mall, cinema, dinner. In that order."

"Your car or mine?"

"Mine. I'll drive."

The lobby is empty and smells of popcorn and butter. The air conditioner is broken and silently, she thanks her best friend for picking her outfit. The girl asks what movie she wants to watch and Mina shrugs nonchalantly. It's been months since she's last went to a cinema.

"I don't know." Mina answers meekly.

Nayeon huffs and her grip on her shoulder is painful. "Mina, I love you but you're a shitty companion. Participate, please. Now, pick a movie." Defeated, Mina gives a sidelong glance to the posters hanging on the sallow beige walls. There's an interesting horror movie with a quaint plot that she knows Nayeon will like but Mina abhors horror so she settle for some sci-fi movie instead.

"Great." 

Flashing a cutting smile at her, Nayeon moves to pay for the tickets with a debit card in her grip. Mina waits in line and buys a large popcorn, a diet Coke for the other girl and a packet of Malteser. Tearing through the plastic with her teeth, she proceeds to pour the Maltesers into the bucket.

She frowns when the other girl approaches her, nose wrinkling in disgust. "I thought you liked Maltesers with popcorn."

"You do. I just eat around it." Nayeon pats her cheek fondly when she catches her shuffling her feet guiltily. "Come on, the movie's about to start."

The movie is an atrocity and ghastly, as predicted. What keeps Mina entertained is Nayeon's commentary. Her indignant and scathing remarks about the preposterous plot causes her to burst into peals of laughter. It's just the two of them anyway, in the lonely theater. Near the aisle, Camelai is running in circles around Valerian, trying hard to get his attention.

Nayeon's presence is solid and real as she leans into her. She feels the tension from the past few months melts away as time pass by._ This is nice_, Mina thinks. It's almost normal, just the two of them. Before the breakup, before the funeral. She tries not to read much into it when she catches the other girl's self-satisfied smirk.

"That was painful." she drawls when the credits rolls in, stretching her limbs out. Mina hums in agreement, heart light as they leave the cinema.

They have pizzas and milkshakes for dinner before Nayeon drops her off. She parks outside her house and turns the engine off. Mina is halfway out the door when the other girl pulls her back inside.

"Here." she pushes a bag into her hands.

She peeks inside to see a bunch of concealers and makeup. Judging by the brand, it looks expensive. "Im Nayeon," she marvels. "Are you getting soft on me?"

"No." she replies, just as sweetly. "Now get out of my car, Myoui."

Mina laughs, fondness and warmth filling her body at the sight of an Im Nayeon with pink cheeks.

.

Being a pharmacy student is not as easy as Mina initially thinks.

The lecturers are ruthless, malevolent slave-drivers that feed on the students' despondency. When the new semester kicks in, the syllabus gets more complicated. There are new drugs to learn, more pharmacodynamic and pharmacokinetics related topics to absorb. There are diseases, etiologies and pathophysiologies to remember. Reading used to be something enjoyable but now it is a chore. By the time the class finishes, Mina's head is reeling and her stomach is rumbling.

She misses dancing. She misses ballet specifically; the technicalities of the dance movements and the daily routines. As a daughter of a renowned doctor, Biology was what was drilled into her brain when she was a child but ballet is different. Ballet is purely Mina's choice. She misses going to their dance academy, misses the way the sisters would try to correct each other's postures and movements and the way they would just lie down in their shirts slick with sweats, giggling over dumb puns, the way they would try to rile and one up each other with freestyle dances.

(she was supposed to be in medicine. what's the point? her sister's dead and the sight of blood has traumatized her, enough to change course. reminds her of a bathtub and a pink haired girl and blue lips)

Mina jolts out of her concentration when a boy sits down on an empty chair next to her in an indie coffee shop Nayeon and her frequents, while she is doodling a ballerina on the brown tissue paper. The boy beams before nodding to her hand. "Nice drawing. I have never seen you before. I'm Park Minhyuk."

He reminds Mina of a puppy. Shy smiles, kind personality and quiet voice. The kind of boy Nayeon breaks and steps on with her five inches pumps. The fact that his deamon is a gold labrador retriever just proves her theory.

Mina bunches the tissue into her hand and shove it into her pocket. She knows where this is heading already. "Myoui Mina."

The boy grins at her impossibly wider and she can see freckles dusting his nose like a constellation. She wonders if the boy likes his freckles. Mina used to hate the tiny moles dotted on her face until Sana found out about it. The elder sister made it her mission to always peppers each mole on her face with kisses before bed, only stopping when Mina had to forcibly pry herself away from the girl's iron grip and locked her out of her room.

"Hi, Mina! You like drawing?"

"Not really. I just like ballerinas." she says quietly, internally hoping for this conversation to die soon.

"Me too! Um, so," he squirms in his seat. "I was wondering, are you busy this Saturday? There's a party and—"

Her heart drops. "Sorry, I just broke up with my girlfriend." It's not really a lie.

The boy deflates like a balloon but is not deterred. "Oh. Oh. Um, okay." He writes something on his tissue before giving it to her. "My number. In case you change your mind. Or when you're ready. Not that I think you'll change your mind or anything. Just," he rubs his neck to hide his blush. His daemon whines softly to his leg.

Mina flashes a tight smile, hoping it comes across as apologizing as she stands up, picking up her bag and shouldering it. "Nice talking to you."

.

Mina has a sister. Not the dead one, the one rotting six feet under, flesh eaten by maggots and bacteria but a fully living, breathing sister named Momo.

The two of them are not close.

Sana was the bridge that hold her quiet and Momo's loud personalities together. Sana kept both of them grounded. But these days, connecting with Momo takes too much out of Mina, leaves her drain and bones aching. It is filled with too much silence.

(Sana's laughters, Sana's silly anecdotes, Sana's bossy _hey, losers. Behave before I kick your assess_, Sana's fist bumping Momo, _Mi-tang, you're so adorable!,_ Sana, Sattang, Sana—)

Momo must've feel the same way because she stops hanging out in her room, lounging on her bed or making idle conversations. Her open door now remains shut except during school and dinner.

There are parts of Mina that knows she should be concerned, alarm bells ringing in her head to pull Momo out before she loses another sister but the parts are infinitesimal. They quiet down whenever she think of the empty room further down the hall.

.

The thought comes to her while she's lying on her queen-sized bed with Nayeon, watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Andrew Garfield is cradling Emma Stone's broken body as he sobs like he's lost his sun. It's sort of romantic, in a morbid way, to die in the arms of your first and only love.

"If I die, would you bring me back?" Mina muses.

The other girl's eyes remain on the laptop screen as she raises a perfect eyebrow, condescending. The light from the screen illuminates half of Nayeon's face and Mina thinks she looks hauntingly beautiful and mysterious like that.

"Haven't you learn anything from Physical Chemistry?" Nayeon reprimands her. "Le Chatelier's principle clearly states that if a dynamic equilibrium is disturbed by changing the conditions, the position of equilibrium shifts to counteract the change in order to reestablish a new equilibrium. Bringing someone back from the dead would tip that equilibrium. Rip open the portal between the dead and the living. Have someone else die in return. Not to mention, the consequences of resurrecting someone."

Her shoulders hunch and she picks at the strings of the blanket, feeling insecure and downright fatuous.

Valerian yips angrily at Nayeon and she sighs back in return. The noises from the laptop stop. The girl sidles until she is inches away in front of Mina. "I miss her too, you know." she whispers quietly in the darkness of her room, like a confession. Mina knows it's true because while Nayeon is distant and highly guarded around others, she has always been nothing but civil to Sana and Momo.

Her long and nimble fingers curl around her wrist, thumb pressed at her pulse point and Mina's chest burst with warmth when she murmurs, "You should also know by now that I would burn the whole world for you, Mina."

.

Later, when the two have finished the movie and are revising, Nayeon pipes up, "We could do it, you know. Hypothetically speaking. For now. With your research skills and my connections, we could do it."

She look up from the confusing medical terms of her Pathophysiology book to her equally confusing best friend.

"Huh?"

Nayeon roll her eyes. She closes her thick Organic Chemistry book with a thud and proceeds to grab a paper and a pen before sitting primly besides her.

"Resurrection is aforementioned in almost every religion." she scribbles something on the paper. "Ancient Egypt, ancient Greek, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism. Of course, none of the religions I said comes with a full on instructions on how to bring your dead sister back."

Mina's not really surprised the girl caught the real meaning behind her words. Nayeon has always been attuned to her emotions like a second skin. When Mina first met the girl all those years ago at the hallway and saw bunny teeth peeking out from heart shaped lips, it was like something inside her heart clicked. 

"Uh huh." she manages to say unconvincingly. 

Nayeon pouts, petulant. "You don't believe me."

Mina ducks her head to hide her blooming smile. It's not that she doesn't believe her. Nayeon can do anything once she puts her mind into it. It's one of the thing that she's always admired and envied about. Sana or Nayeon isn't like Mina; is not made up of stilted conversations, awkward gestures and a ball of anxiety.

"I believe you!" she hastily say when the other girl frowns, upset. "It's just... Are we really doing this?"

"Do you want to?" she asks her back.

(Sana's body, cold and lifeless. Momo's hysterical screams behind her back. Mum's wrecking sobs and Dad's angry _get the ambulance. God damn Mina, call the ambulance now._)

Nayeon hits her forehead hard with the pen and it startles Mina out of her stupor.

"I don't like it when you brood." she explains. "Well?"

Mina shake her head. "I don't think Sana wants to."

She hums, deep in thought as she taps her perfect purple manicured finger to her chin. "It's just a thought. I've never heard of resurrecting a daemon before though. Guess I might have to take a look into that."

"Wait, what do you mean by having connections? Earlier."

Nayeon flips her hair and grins at her wickedly.

"My mother came from a line of Ipswich witches."

She rolls her eyes at the statement but does not comment.

Mina does not have the heart to remind her that she's adopted.

.

Mina is on the way home from the library when it happens. She's scrolling through her Whatsapp conversations as she waits for the bus. The sun is sweltering and her skin prickles at the heat. Mina smiles idly at a girl playing with her daemon— a black husky— before she return back to her vibrating phone. 

🐇 : Wear something nice tonight ;)

🐧: ... Why?

🐇 : We're hitting the club. I found a really cute guy today.

🐧 : Nayeonnie, I really don't feel like watching you shove your tongue down his throat.

🐇 : Don't be silly! He has a twin so it'd be two tongues instead. Gtg have class love you xoxo

Mina snorts at the reply and fires an_ I love you too xoxo_. Her best friend can be really ridiculous sometimes but she knows the girl doesn't mean anything by it. Every time they go to the clubs, her best friend always makes it a priority to keep an eye on Mina and fends off potential creeps with her barbed words.

She locks the screen, puts the phone back into her bag and waits patiently for the bus.

Everything that happens next is a blur.

The little girl is on the road, trying to catch the daemon in a game of tag and there's an incoming car and the mother is nowhere to be seen and _the car's horn is blaring at the child_—

Mina doesn't think. It's instinctual and instantaneous.

She pulls the girl, tucks her under her chin, long limbs covering her frame— _she's fucking tiny_, Mina thinks. The car slams her head and the impact is so strong, she feels her brain reverberates inside her skull. Camelai trashes wildly next to her, saying _stupid girl. you stupid brave girl_ in his connection that tethers to Mina. Her limbs relax at the sound of his voice and she turns to her left.

The girl is kneeling, unharmed except for skinned knees, staring at Mina with wide, fearful doe-eyes and little fists clutching her flannel sleeve like a lifeline. Mina doesn't want to scare the little girl— there is blood inside her mouth, behind her eyes, in her lungs— so she squeezes her chubby leg instead in reassurance.

Myoui Mina dies saving a stranger. It's not the best way to die but it's a good one.

.

Mina doesn't know where she is but her daemon is not here, _he's gone he's gone, he is gone_, there is no trace of him, like he never existed before and Mina's heart bleeds the second time for something she cannot have, makes her blind with want. Non compos mentis.

.

The afterlife is different than how she expects it to be. She think she might see God or at least hear Him. She sit crossed knees and waits for her atonement but there is only eternal darkness and deafening silence.

Purgatory, comes Nayeon's matter-of-factly voice. In Roman Catholic theology, purgatory is a place where those who have died in a state of grace undergo limited torment to cleanse their sins.

Mina's torment must be in the form of Camelai then because _God, it fucking hurts_. She scours the place high and low but he's not here. When Mina tries to reach for their connection, the other side is empty. It cripples her. It's unfathomable, worse than losing Sana. This feels like she has a severed limb. Sometimes she catches something; a phantom feeling of Camelai at the end of the connection but it is just her brain playing tricks on her. 

The dead does not need food, water or sleep. Nothing but time on her side and it's excruciating. Mina's thoughts poison her mind. Camelai's steady voice is not here to keep her grounded and being dead doesn't stop her from having an anxiety attack.

_Camelai Camelai Camelai_   
_Should've spent one more time in Sana's room_   
_Shouldn't have left Momo like that_   
_Should've called the cute guy_   
_Shouldn't have failed Pathophysiology_   
_Should've return the red high heels she stole from Nayeon _   
_Camelai_

Should've, shouldn't have, should've.

Mina's only silver lining comes in an image of a four years old girl, beaming up at her with toothy smile, a reprieve.

Stop.

Breathe.

Repeat.

.

_"Tell me how to bring her back."_

_"Miss Im, bringing someone—"_

_The click of a safety pin being released._

_"I know the statistics. What I don't know is the how. A little bird told me you know the hows."_

_A beat._

_Then, "A remote town at the end of the world. Molodogvardeyskaya, Russia. There's a shaman with the name of Cykr-Yngath. He has been known to successfully perform the art of resurrection a few times."_

_"Now, was that hard?"_

_"Resurrection does not come without a price, Miss Im Nayeon." says the stern voice. "The dead is not worth it."_

_Valerian snarls at the man's feet, lips pulled upwards to bare sharp, white teeth and hind legs crouching like he's ready for a kill._

_"The dead has a name and it's Myoui Mina. She was my best friend who died saving a four years old child because her mother was too much of an incompetent bimbo." Nayeon lifts her chin up and in that moment she looks every part of the Im heiress that she was groomed to be. "My best friend deserves the world and I'll make sure she gets it."_

.

Mina has her whole memories presented and play out like a projector. Thousands of them, fine shimmering strings weaved intricately in front of her, like a convoluted spider's web. She plucks at it in a random manner and sits to watch.

Basking in the sun with Momo while their parents coddled clumsy younger Sana who fell from the bike. Im Nayeon, sixteen years old, incandescent and gifted as she performed a drama for their theater club. Sneaking out to the movies with Jeongyeon in her sister's car, screaming along to Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield on the radio. Her mother's chocolate moist cake. Her father's jacket. Reading at her favourite spot in the library, Camelai nibbling at a carrot Nayeon always spared for the daemon inside her bag. Going on a double date with Sana and her crush, Kim Dahyun. Picking out prom dresses with Momo.

One particular memory sticks out like a sore thumb. Nayeon likes to tap secret codes on Mina's wrist, her shoulder, any place on her exposed skin with a thoughtful look on lazy days when they have no school or homework and the atmosphere is quiet, both of them content to just lie around and cuddlle on bed all day. She loves moments like these the most because Nayeon doesn't have her usual hostile veneer on, or an euphemistic tongue like she does in school, trusts Mina enough to be herself. Back then, Mina wants so badly to ask her what the gesture means but is too afraid to break the spell. She doesn't want to push her away.

( she should've asked. now? now, Mina will never know. )

.

_"Mina? I don't know if you can hear me but listen. I'm coming to get you. Okay? Soon, I promise. When they come for you, don't follow them. Whatever you do, do not follow them. Wait for me. Mina? Remember what I said. Wait."_

.

Mina taps the ground— ceiling? concrete?— alternately with her fingers every sixty heartbeats. It's been 2,39,420,780 taps since she has been here.

There is another set of intricate strings at the edge of the darkness. They're red instead of pale glittering silk. That place is off limits. It's an abomination. The first time she tries plucking it, just the slightet tentative touch of her index finger, it brought Mina down to her knees. Because the strings don't show her memories, it shows Mina the future. 

In the second it takes her to gasp and yanks her hand away, Mina has seen the whole future laid out in front of her like a deck of cards. Her parents gets a divorce. The failure to protect two of their daughters looms heavily on their shoulders, tears their twenty five years of marriage in shambles. It makes them forget about the last remaining daughter because a few months after her funeral, Momo drops out of university and resorts to spend her remaining days with juvenile kids. It shows Mina others, too. Her classmates, Jeongyeon and the rest of her friends but never Nayeon.

It's permutations in its purest form, an act of rearranging all the members of a set into some sequence. Unlike combinations, permutation does not disregard the order; her death will always come first. It's the aftermath that differs. There are thousands of possible scenarios that could happen in the future and she know the rest can't be all bad but it doesn't stop her hackles from rising every time she think of the place.

.

_"What— Nayeon, are you fucking insane?"_

_The girl snaps. "I can and I will. Now, are you with me or are you a coward?"_

_Jeongyeon pulls her hair in frustration._

_"I thought you _loved_ her." the words that comes out of Nayeon's mouth sounds like an accusation._

_"I do!"_

_"Well? I don't have all day."_

_"Shit. Okay, yeah. Fine. What do you need?"_

_Nayeon slaps a checklist to Jeongyeon's chest._

_"All of this."_

.

Something's been pulling Mina somewhere. She doesn't know why or how but it keeps telling her that she needs to let things go. Move on. The voice sounds like Sana. She misses her sister so very dearly. 

There's another voice though, louder and more steady. A female. Two words repeating itself over and over again like a mantra: _hold on hold on hold on hold on._

And then,_ I'm coming._

.

_"Do you bring it, devushka smerti? The totem and everything else?"_

_Nayeon takes a few steps towards the disfigured blind man, puts something on the ground between them._

_"The price. You know it?"_

_She shakes her head._

_The blind man motions her closer._

.

( Mina asked her mother once, the meaning of love. It took her so long to answer that her curious ten years old self almost gave up waiting.

"That depends, sweetheart. Love means different thing to different people. Even a _drive safe_ is a form of love."

"Well, what does love mean to you then, mommy?"

She tilted her head, contemplative before saying, "Sharing a burden together with your father."

It took Mina years to understand what she meant. )

.

Breathing is a luxury.

Waking up with soil in her mouth, worms beneath her bare back and crusted blood under her fingernails is, however, petrifying. The full moon is ominous and the air is frigid, raising goosebumps on Mina's naked skin. Tracing her fingers, she can count the raised ribs on her flesh like a saxophone.

(ancient ichor blood hums in her veins)

Mina turns her head in the direction of a sharp gasp. A familiar woman is staring back at her. She has brown eyes hidden behind bangs and dark hair that tumbles from her shoulders as she crouches next to Mina.

"Do you know who I am?" she implores.

Momo.

Mina tries to open her mouth to form the words but her tongue feels heavy and the pronunciation escapes her entirely. She nods instead.

Momo flings her arms around her neck, soft fingers raking her spine. "Mina. Oh god, Mina." comes her muffled sobs as she rocks their bodies back and forth. "I can't believe it worked. Nayeon was right."

Her head is pounding, a sign of an incoming splitting headache. There are so many questions she wants to ask. Where am I? What happened? Why is her big sister crying? 

She looks ahead and sees Jeongyeon standing a few meters away. She is looking at Mina with a stricken expression and it makes Mina wonder why. Her hands twist the handle of— is that a shovel?

"Come on." Momo interrupts her thoughts abruptly. "Can you stand? We need to get to Nayeon's house. Somewhere safe."

.

Nobody says anything the entire time.

Jeongyeon carries Mina on her back to the second floor, body wrapped in thick blankets and into the spacious bath tub of Nayeon's master bedroom. Jeongyeon is skittish around her and doesn't know what to do with her hands after she puts her down, a nervous gesture that Mina picked out back when they were dating. After a while, she leaves the bathroom to give them some privacy.

Mina watches mutely as the grime and blood gathers down the drain while Momo bathes her, scrubs her skin pink from head to toe. Every once in a while she gets lost in introspection, stares at Mina like she is a jigsaw piece she can't fit. She helps Mina puts on Nayeon's baggy shirt and shorts. Her limbs are like rubber so Momo has to guide her through step by step; head first, then hands into the sleeves.

The distance from the bathroom to the bed is immeasurable. Putting one foot in front of the other leaves Mina's body palpitating and gasping, even when her arms are clinging around her sister's neck and waist.

By the time Mina manages to flop on the bed, she almost blacks out in exhaustion. The sheets and pillow are musty but Mina can also catch a whiff of vanilla and jasmine. It smells entirely like Nayeon's body lotion and she closes her eyes, lets the scent overwhelms her senses. She feels her pounding headache recedes a little. 

The bed dips behind her and Mina rolls over tiredly. Her sister climbs up the bed and pulls the blanket to cover her properly before settling down. Her raccoon daemon, Dahanain is nowhere to be found.

(The daemons run away from Mina. It reminds them of their own mortality. Seeing someone without their daemon is like seeing someone with a gaping hole where their hearts once were, their shirts drenched in blood and barely functioning.)

"Do you remember what happened?"

Mina shakes her head minutely. That's all she has been doing since she's been back. A series of _yes_ and _no_ with the motions of her head to the questions.

"You died." she rasps, throat scraps raw with grief. "On your way back from the library, you died saving a little girl's life. Her name is Chou Tzuyu. It was a car. A hit and run. Don't you remember?" her eyes shine with tears. "You were so brave, Mitang. So very brave."

Mina doesn't feel brave. Mina is terrified. She doesn't even know her own favorite color, let alone what happened. Her body is too thin and pale, almost translucent under the bright bathroom lighting. She can see the movement of her bones under the thin covering of skin. It moves in rhythm to her actions. Bluish-green veins, giant spiderwebs that start from her heart to smaller capillaries that extends to the rest of her toes and fingertips. It's gruesome and she wants to cry but she is too exhausted.

Their roles are reversed. Right now, Momo is the youngest sister because Mina feels like she's a thousand years old.

Mina does not sleep that night.

.

There are angry voices coming from outside the room that jolts Mina awake from her peaceful slumber. Momo's side of the bed is cold and empty.

"What do you mean you're not coming?" bellows a high pitched voice— Jeongyeon's voice. "Nayeon, you're the only one who knows how to handle this. Momo and I, we don't know how to help her." A pause. "Bullshit! You're not telling me something. What are you hiding? Where the fuck are you? We haven't seen you in months!" Another pause. "Nayeon, she's your best friend. You brought her back from the dead and you weren't even there to see it happen. Do you know how terrifying it was to see her like that?"

A weary sigh. Mina can imagine Jeongyeon standing there, shoulders hunched and rubbing her face with her other hand in irritation. "Mina's fine. No, it didn't work. Her daemon wasn't with her. Anyway. Just— just come home soon, okay? Please stop running. Mina needs you."

Mina pulls the duvet above her head and wills herself to sleep.

.

There's a paper plane shape the size of Mina's nail embedded on her left wrist and she bites her tongue until it draws blood because it's exactly like the necklace Mina gave Nayeon when she turned eighteen.

( Her parents were overseas that day, so it was just the two girls in Nayeon's house. Mina and Nayeon. Nayeon and Mina. Nayeon's lips were trembling when she opened the gift and she had gripped her calf so hard, there were half moon imprints.

"It's for you. You always said you can't wait to dump this place. I don't know what I'm applying for college yet but I'd like follow you. Wherever that is."

Mina will never forget the first time she saw Im Nayeon cry. )

.

Momo dotes on her, despite the differences in their personalities. Momo (and Sana) couldn't help it, Mina is the last child. She knows that but Momo and her also have short fuses. It runs in the family. On the third day, Mina's legs had given her away and she fell down the stairs, spraining her ankle in the process. Her body had betrayed her— her, a dancer and a ballerina of 14 years— and Mina was so angry and spiteful, she slapped Momo in the face. Momo had spewed back insults towards Mina before she stormed out the house. The oldest sister didn't come back until a week after the incident.

So, it's Jeongyeon on the days when Mina takes too long to cut the steak and handle the cutlery. Jeongyeon is patient. It was one of the qualities she find attractive in her when they first got to know each other. She stands behind Mina on the marble dining table, holds her hands gently with her own, calloused by volleyball and carving and demonstrates it to her.

_Fork on your left, knife on your right. Remember?_, she murmurs into Mina's ear, cuts the meat into tiny portions for her.

Leaning into her chest, Mina wait for the familiar butterflies and clammy hands. Nothing. Now, there are only graveyards blooming in her belly.

Mina holds her still when she starts to move away. Looking up, Mina tries to focus on her eyes. _Why are you helping me?_ is the unspoken question— her voice is still scratchy, sandpaper on wood— but the other girl understands immediately what she's trying to convey because she frowns, looks away so she can't see her expression.

"We parted on bad terms. No closure. I let you go because I thought I had time to fix our friendship after we both get better. I was too angry. God, I loved you. When you died, I— I should've— I didn't get—"

The thing about being dead alive is that you learn. Learn that your death doesn't happen to you. It happens to everyone around you– your family, friends, coworkers. To the people left standing at your funeral; trying to figure out how they're gonna live the rest of their lives without you in it, their spines curving with the weight of their griefs.

Mina sees it in the way Jeongyeon's face fractures with sadness from afar, in the way Momo chews on her thumb or cries beside her at night when she thinks Mina can't hear her, hovers over her like Mina might poof into thin air.

When you die, everyone around you breaks. You take a piece of them with you in your coffin. But Mina is alive now. It's time to give those pieces back.

Mina loved Yoo Jeongyeon. Past tense. However, that doesn't stop her from tugging the front of her shirt, doesn't stop her from curling her fingers on the back of her neck, slanting her lips to brush a kiss on her forehead. It feels right, a valediction.

"I'm sorry about Camelai", she adds, after they both lean away, swiping her thumbs across Mina's cheekbones.

_Me too_, she mouths.

.

It takes a while but Mina slowly grows into herself again. She no longer need Momo to bathe her or Jeongyeon to carry her from the living room to the bedroom upstairs. It has been unbearable, having other people crowd Mina just because she can't perform simple self-explanatory tasks. Mina feel disposable. Useless. Suffocating.

("It's the injury you sustained during the accident," Momo tells her during an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. TV shows, games and movies are the only thing Mina is allowed to have. Going out requires a cover story which further requires the help of Nayeon and her connections to make Mina fake IDs and only god knows what continent she's in. "The aftermath, anyway. Medscape says it impairs your brain functionality. That includes your cognitive skills, language and movement.")

Tension fizzles pleasantly with Jeongyeon. She stops stiffening whenever Mina enters the same room. Good, because she deserves to move forward. Momo used to be two years older than Mina but she's been dead for three so now she's twenty six. Part of Mina feels bitter because she missed her graduation while Mina never gets to graduate from medicine school.

She is well enough to be allowed to explore the house without supervision. The house is exactly what she'd imagine Nayeon would have one day. Modern furniture, a large fireplace— Nayeon gets cold easily— and a jacuzzi outside the house. There's a library on the ground floor. Shelves after shelves filled with thick old and worn hardcover books. Mina traces a finger on the spine of the books. Nayeon has everything from ancient Egyptian mathematics to French novels. There's a section at the end on witchcraft. _Resurrection and its repercussions_, Mina recites out loud.

She pulls the book out and maneuvers to the comfortable couch. The book looks like it's about to fall apart any moment so Mina leafs through the papyrus papers gingerly and regrets doing so. Pages after pages written in neat scripts to explain the morbid and horrifying encounters of resurrection. Resurrection uses dark magic. It requires a medium to make an exchange with the devil. A sacrifice in order to use dark magic. There are theories on the repercussions of using black magic and Mina feels bile rise up her throat at the possible things Nayeon has to give up.

She storms out of the library, barreling into Jeongyeon while the girl was on her way to the kitchen. "Give me your phone." Mina demands.

"What?"

Her hands move in a gimme motion. "Your phone. Now."

"I can't. You're not allowed— "

"I'm allowed to talk to my best friend." Mina snaps. "And don't tell me what I can or cannot do. Phone. Now."

She barely manages to remove it from her jeans pocket before Mina swoops to catch it, locking the door to her— Nayeon's room with a click.

She calls four times but Nayeon does not answer. The dial tone is mocking her and she feels her blood boils. Voice mails would only drive her away but Mina is undeterred and opts for a text instead.

_Come home._

_ _\- _ _ [🐧](https://emojipedia.org/penguin/)

.

Two days pass and Nayeon still hasn't answer her texts.

It puts Mina in a foul mood for the rest of the day.

.

She sends two texts and another on WhatsApp, just in case.

.

Later that night, Mina steals Jeongyeon's phone to check on Nayeon's reply.

The app shows her one tick.

.

It's been a week.

The line tells her that Nayeon's service has been terminated.

.

Mina is stirred awake by the feeling of someone staring at her. She pushes the covers away and freezes.

The angry speeches she's been saving in her mind vanishes at the sight of her best friend leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed and staring fixedly at her the way the other girl would try to memorize a script for her upcoming drama.

When it's obvious Mina is not going to say anything, Nayeon clears her throat: "You look good." _Alive._

Mina bobs her head jerkily, flits her hands on the covers, trying to find something to ground her to this moment. She is suddenly reminded of the last time she had a sleepover at Nayeon's place. It seems like a lifetime ago. The other girl's eyebrows furrow and Mina knows that Nayeon is thinking of the same thing.

Nayeon pushes herself away from the doorframe. "Wake up. Breakfast is ready." she flounces away.

.

Mina doesn't realize how much she has been missing her best friend until she is sitting across her on the dinner table.

She's known her for seven years, is familiar with her patterns and idiosyncrasies but right now, her face is impassive. Throughout Mina's friendship with Nayeon, the girl always makes the move to touch her first; a hand on the inside of her elbow, chin on her shoulder when she feels extremely affectionate and in a good mood, her fingers interlocking with Mina's, or a thumb pressed at her pulse point. Nayeon doesn't deal well with emotions but she's touch-starved, a byproduct of being an adopted child to two extremely successful but busy parents. Mina doesn't mind it at all because she has two (one now, she remind herself) sisters and sisters are nothing but affectionate.

It makes Mina hollow because aside from occasional small conversations, Nayeon would not look or touch her.

.

While Mina might not remember how she dies, she can feel it at night. In her sleep, when something runs her over and it jars her awake with a choked sob at the tip of her tongue. Disoriented, Mina would swallow it down because Jeongyeon and Momo don't need anymore on their plates. This one, Mina can handle by herself.

(It's funny. Mina died and came back but she still can't sleep and she has dark circles under her eyes. It's like she has slept enough for the rest of her undead life. Death, Mina thinks bitterly, only steals your time and drops aftermath on your feet without a manual.)

But tonight, Valerian is with her when she wakes up sweating and shaking again. He lies on the bed, head resting on his front paws and stares at Mina with piercing eyes that glows eerily in the darkness. Uncertainty bubbles up inside Mina's chest. There are 95 to 100 billion nerve cells in a human body and Nayeon's daemon gets on every one of hers. Mina stares back at him, unsure if she should talk or shoo him away.

Mina inhales sharply when his pointed snout nudges her arm.

The worst breach of etiquette imaginable is for a human to touch another person's daemon; even in battle, most soldiers would never touch an enemy's daemon. It's worse than rape because daemons are the physical manifestation of a human soul and to touch a person's daemon is to violate a person's soul. In this case, it's Nayeon's soul.

Mina's muscles lock and she strains her ears for Nayeon's impending footsteps but the night remains blissfully quiet.

Valerian scoots to pin his whole body on Mina's stomach and his long whiskers bristle her cheek.

"Stop it." Mina hisses, scrambles to push his 132 pounds body away but fails. "Why— I won't— You and Nayeon— _We can't touch each other_."

His deep voice rumbles when he speaks, "You had a nightmare. I came to comfort you. Besides, Nayeon won't mind."

"That's not your job. Came—" Mina choke. It's the first time she tries saying his name out loud since she was resurrected. Her throat burns at the notion. "We can't touch each other." she reminds him instead. "It's forbidden."

Valerian says nothing but he nips at Mina's ear and hair before soothing it with his tongue, trying to comfort her like a mother would to her kits.

Camelai did this to her all the time when Mina used to have nightmares as a child. He would sit patiently on her chest and Mina would bury her fingers and tear stained face into his soft fur, the daemon nibbling at the patch of skin on Mina's ear affectionately with his rabbit teeth.

For the first time, Mina allows herself to grieve.

.

"What happens next? After you die, I mean."

Valerian rolls his body once, twice on the bed before answering, four legs up in the air and facing the ceiling: "We turn to dust."

She bites her lip until she can taste the sharp metallic tang before soothing the wound with her tongue. "Is that what happened to— " Mina still can't say his name without choking.

"Most likely."

If her best friend finds Mina curled around her daemon the next morning, with her fingers clutched at his fur like a child and the daemon's tail entangled protectively around Mina's body like a guardian— she doesn't say anything.

.

Nayeon rarely gets out of the guest room. Mina catches the other girl frowning at her hands the few times she does venture out, nails digging deep into her other palm. Other days she would hide her face behind her eyes, whispering so quietly, Mina can't hear what she's saying.

.

Running two laps around the neighborhood every morning has been a routine ever since Nayeon managed to obtain her legal (fake?) documents. It's freeing, the way her legs ache and how her lungs burn as she inhales the cold air. The music is loud enough to stops her from thinking. Being on house arrest drives Mina a little insane. She tries not to think about how she used to race with Camelai, before.

Mina turns around the sharp corner to see a familiar car parked in front of the house. _That's odd_, Mina thinks. Jeongyeon is doing her shift as a part-time bartender and Momo is giving dance lessons at the academy so that leaves Nayeon. Steeling herself, Mina hesitantly approaches the car.

Mina tries calling her name. "Nayeon? Are you going somewhere?"

Valerian yelps when he sees her before lunging towards her, tugging her fingers hard enough that his sharp thin teeth could prickle her skin, towards the driver seat. The sight that greets Mina makes her worry. She hurriedly pries Nayeon's hands away from her eyes, afraid that the girl might go blind with how much pressure she's putting the heels of her palms on them. She won't respond to her frantic callings. Her eyes are shut and she has taken to squeezing the steering wheel, knuckles pale and white.

Nayeon finally snaps when Valerian whines loudly.

"Shut up! Both of you, just shut up!"

It takes a long time for her to get over whatever turmoil she's in. Mina crouches next to her seat, fingers clutching the hem of her dress and drawing circles on her bare thigh. Finally, after what it seems hours, her shoulders slump and she hits her head on the backrest.

"I need you to drive me to the university." she says quietly. "Please."

Mina frowns at the plea. Between the two of them, Nayeon is the better driver. "Okay, but why?"

She gnaws at her bottom lip. It's a habit she does when she's contemplating whether she should consider lying to someone. "I have to submit my assignment. I managed to extend it for another 2 weeks. Today's the due date, before 5PM."

Mina weighs her words and gives a furtive glance towards the time on the dashboard. It's 4.13PM. 40 minutes is not enough, but Mina can make it if she drives over the speed limit. Mina hasn't test her driving skills since coming back but she's confident that she could do it. The knowledge and memory are there. The rest of it, well. She will take care of it when she crosses the bridge.

She nudges the other girl's thigh gently and Nayeon acquiesces with a small _thank you_, scooting towards the passenger seat. Valerian scurries in towards Nayeon's seat and Mina closes the door on her way in.

.

Nayeon is quiet on the way back. She looks exhausted, boneless. From her peripheral vision, she notice that one of her hands is limp on her lap. Mina extends her arm, brushing her wrist tentatively, trying to test the waters. Mina wonders which of the two default mood she'll be in today. Indifferent or guarded?

Nayeon's head knocks against the window, looking like she's frustrated with something but her long fingers lace with hers, one by one. She still fits in between the spaces of her fingers and Mina sighs in relief. Death did not take this one thing away from her.

"I know you have a lot of questions," she murmurs, "but— sleep. Let me sleep for an hour or two. And then, I'll explain everything."

"You're not sleeping lately." It isn't a question.

She hums in agreement. "Nightmares."

"What kind of nightmares?"

She squeezes her hand lightly. "Eyes on the road."

.

She stays true to her words. She makes a beeline to the guest room as soon as the car is parked and hits the bed by the time Mina kills the engine and enters the room. Nayeon's room (guestroom, really because Mina still hasn't move out from Nayeon's master bedroom and the girl doesn't ask) is messy, papers haphazardly strewn everywhere on the floor and opened books stacked on the small wooden table. She tidies up the mess and gathers all the papers and puts it on the table, underneath the weight of one of the books in case the wind might blow it away.

Mina picks a random book from the top of the stack, moving towards one on the chairs nearby the window. And Mina does what she's best at.

She waits.

.

"What are you doing?" she asks Mina out of the blue, voice thick with sleep.

Mina almost jump out of her bones.

"Jesus. Uh, I'm, uh, reading." she puts up the book sheepishly for her to see. It reads Statistics: Informed Decisions using Data. "I lost interest halfway through because I forgot some of the things I've learned."

Nayeon clicks her tongue, disapproval etches on her face. She watches as she runs her fingers through her sleep mussed hair and Mina feels her heart stuttering like a jammed clock unable to move. "You should practice your skills more. I actually stole the book from your room."

The_ I didn't have time, I was too busy being dead _is unspoken but hangs in the air like a foreboding moment.

Mina shuts the book. It's time. "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

She sighs, puts an arm across her face to hide her emotions. Her voice is quiet, insecure when she says Mina will hate her for what she's about to say.

"No, I won't." Mina reassures her quickly. She moves the girl's hand away when she see her biting her lip again. "Hey, I will never hate you, Nayeonnie." she hopes the affectionate nickname might ease her worries a bit.

"You were dead." she begins reluctantly. "At first I was going to let it go, do the mature humane thing and move on but then I remembered the time we had our sleepover. Do you remember?"

Mina squints her eyes, tries to jog her memories up but comes up hazy. "Is it.... when we watched Spiderman?"

"Yes. It won't leave me alone. Then, I started doing researches. You were right, before— about Sana." her best friend sends her a side-swept, wistful glance. "You cannot resurrect someone who committed suicide. It has to be someone who wants to come back, to live. But I found out a way to bring you back." she pauses, as if unsure if she should continue.

Mina's heart seizes. "What? Nayeon, what?"

"The resurrection requires the heart of the murderer and the blood of the saved."

Mina inhales sharply, bolting to her side and clutches her sides desperately, remembering how she first woke up sticky with blood. She can't believe what she's hearing. Her Nayeon would never do something so cruel. "You didn't! Nayeon, tell me you didn't."

Her eyes flash, dangerous and defiant. "I would have done it in a heartbeat."

"But you didn't." Mina says insistently. "Right?"

"Well, no," she admits, relents. "But I would have, if it weren't for the little girl. I don't think you will forgive me if I did." she looks away, ashamed.

"I wouldn't." Mina tell her firmly. "The girl is innocent. What else?"

"I found someone through my mother's connection. A shaman in Russia. There were rumors that a rich couple paid him in diamonds to resurrect their child who died from leukemia."

"What did you paid him with?"

_Please don't say with your life please don't say with your life I can't pleasepleaseplease—_

Nayeon sweeps her hair away from her eyes affectionately and in that moment, it feels like she has the old Nayeon back. Mina is hit with an intense longing at that thought. _How is it possible to miss someone who's in front of you?_, she wonders.

"You're thinking too loud. It's not with my life, if that's what you're thinking."

"What is it then?"

"You needed an anchor," she continues, ignoring her question. "Someone from the living."

"You?"

"Me," she nods in affirmation. "He had to take the memory of your death away, says that you'll go mad if he didn't. Humans aren't supposed to relive their deaths over and over again."

Something's wrong, Mina realizes. Nayeon won't look at her. And then it hits Mina.

"Nayeon." she breathes. "You didn't." But it explains everything. Nayeon hasn't been sleeping lately because of the memories and the mental breakdown she had earlier is because driving has traumatize her.

The other girl rolls her eyes at Mina but she can see how her frame is shaking. Mina throws an arm around her neck and only holds the girl tighter in her arms when she attempts to push her away.

"I'm not weak. I can handle it." she says harshly, battling tears away. "I'm not weak." she repeats, as if she's trying to convince herself.

It's too much, Mina despairs. No person should go to such lengths for someone else, no matter how close you are to them. It explains why Valerian is able to touch her. Mina and Nayeon's souls are teetered to each other, bounded for life. Mina grieves— _will she ever stop grieving?—_ for Sana and Camelai and now Nayeon and she cries for her, for her selflessness and the coming nights when she has to live through Mina's death over and over again. It's the worst form of punishment.

( later, Nayeon will disagree with Mina. "I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. Can't you see, Mina?" her voice cracks, face crumples in agony and desperation. "I'm the most selfish bitch in the entire world."

The way she says it is like a universal fact. Mina doesn't tell her otherwise. Nayeon doesn't want her comfort. She's not the type to wallow by herself and nothing sends her scurrying away faster than pity— because in her eyes, comfort and pity are the same thing. It kills Mina to see her being so self-deprecating but she stays silent.

This, too, is a form of punishment. Not for Nayeon, but for Mina. )

.

"Nayeonnie?" she hesitates, afraid to stir the girl from her slumber. The other girl gives a non-committal response in return and blinks sleepily at her. She wonders if Nayeon will ever get a decent sleep in her life after what she has done.

"What are we? To each other? The bond..."

Mina doesn't need Nayeon— after what happened with Camelai's death, Mina will never need anyone again— but losing Nayeon would be debilitating. The two girls found each other when Nayeon needed someone to hold her through the loneliness and heavy expectations of the Ims and Mina was too overwhelmed and lost in a new town, filled with unfamiliar faces after they moved to Seoul. Nayeon did not hesitate when she saw Mina strolling the school aimlessly that day. She had firmly grabbed her sleeve to introduce herself, commented on the dull plot of a book held to Mina's chest and Mina had never been so grateful when Nayeon took her under her wings.

Once, on a drunken night during senior year, Nayeon had slurred and explained how important their friendship is to her.

_You're my wall. You get that, don't you? You steady me, ground me. You're not the ladder. The ladder is my courage and the height is my fear alone to conquer. You're my wall because you support me as I climb up._

Nayeon shuffles her body so that she is facing the ceiling, still deep in thought. "Sometimes, you make me feel like—" she bites her lips painfully hard.

_Like there are wild flowers growing and peeking between the spaces of my ribcage?_, she wants to ask.

Mina does love her though. She doesn't know what kind of love but then again does it even matter? Love is a subjective topic. This girl tethered their souls together and brought Mina back from the dead. They share a daemon now. That's more than some married vows.

Nayeon comes to the same conclusion (bonded or otherwise, that's the one thing that will never change between the two of them) because she glances at Mina beseechingly and says, "It's just us. It's always been us."

She runs her fingers through Mina's hair, the hollows of where her eyes are, her sharp cheekbones, her button nose, down to the slope of her mouth, her sharp jaw and the pulse beneath the thin skin of her neck. She closes her eyes, as if she's praying and thanking whatever higher power for the blood that runs through Mina's veins. Splaying her fingers on Mina's jutted collarbone, Nayeon continues her path to her chest, stopping right above her heart. Mina wonders if she can feel her erratic heartbeats.

When she open her eyes again, some of her demons are gone. She looks resigned but relieved at the same time. "What we have," she murmurs. "It doesn't need a name."

The intensity of her words strikes Mina hard and it must've shown in her face because Nayeon upturns her nose a moment later. "You're not hot enough for me to date though." she snarks.

With a burst of confidence, Mina surges towards her, knees straddling her body and pinning her with her weight as she sit on the girl's abdomen. Nayeon looks inexplicably small under her.

The soft tentative brush of her lips against Nayeon's sends a jolt to her whole body. Nayeon tenses but otherwise makes no move to push her away, so Mina know it's not her. She decides to tug her hair insistently then, trying to coax a response from the girl.

_Don't. Stop overthinking._

Mina beams into the kiss when the other girl finally does, relishes the way Nayeon runs her tongue across Mina's lower lip, uncertain and shy and so unlike the girl Mina has known almost all her life. Nayeon's body turns pliant as the kiss stretches longer and the girl's skin is warm when Mina skims her exposed waist lazily with one hand. She changes her angle to kiss her better, bumping her nose in the process. Her other hand is cradling Nayeon's face, thumb on her cheekbones and fingers buried in her hair. When Mina finally leans away for air, she catches Nayeon chasing her mouth, eyes fluttering open slowly. She's so close that she can count how many eyelashes she has.

Nayeon, with her long hair spreading on the pillows like a halo and gazing dreamily at her like she had hung the moon and stars.

The girl looks so devastatingly ethereal that Mina wants to cry. Mina doesn't know what she did in her past life to deserve the utter devotion and adoration of Im Nayeon. The girl would've willingly jump off a cliff if Mina ever asks and the concept is both enthralling and terrifying. But perhaps this is why Nayeon trusts her so wholeheartedly, because Mina would never think of using her the way the Ims and others did. 

"What was that for?" she asks lightly, after they lie down next to each other again. Her jaws are set and she's giving Mina a different look— the one when she's unable to solve a difficult Calculus problem and it's fraying her temper.

"I wanted to." Mina say. "Ever since I saw you, I think. I just didn't realize it until now."

Nayeon hums thoughtfully.

"Still think I'm not good enough to date you?" she teases. The kiss does seem to render Nayeon's cognitive skills useless and it's doing nothing to prevent Mina's inflating ego. _I did that_, Mina thinks giddily. _I turned Im Nayeon into mush_.

Nayeon snorts derisively at the girl's arrogance.

"Go to sleep, Myoui." Her voice is sharp but then she curls close besides Mina and nuzzles her side, places open mouthed kisses on the space between her neck and shoulder.

.

Mina's death affects Nayeon the most. Not the charismatic Jeongyeon or bright Momo but the sharp tongued, loud and distant Nayeon. It's unexpected because Mina has always thought that she was resilient. Nayeon would grieve for her, yes but when the time comes and the opportunity presents itself, she will move on and she'd be brilliant and fierce, leaving a blaze of fire on her path. 

Later, Mina stumbles on a book in Nayeon's library and finds out the meaning of those secret taps. It's Morse code.

It means; half of Atlas. 

.

It happens like this.

Mina died twice. Once, to save a little girl's life and again when she wakes up in the living world without her daemon. Mina spent an eternity in purgatory before her best friend brought her back. But being dead alive didn't change the fact that there's a gaping hole in Mina's heart where Camelai and Sana were. And there's so many questions left unreciprocated. Mina never found out why Sana committed suicide. Mina didn't— still don't— know what other things Nayeon sacrificed in her place but that's okay. Mina has years ahead of her to repay the girl back. Mina got her second chance and she's going to grab it with both hands.

.

_i was told_   
_even though we all grow old_   
_love will never die_   
_love's ignorant of time_   
_but those words were your own_   
_and that was long ago, that was long ago_


	2. this is my rubik's cube

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your front teeth make you look like a rabbit.” she blurts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is dedicated to: longlive_mn, xylomyloo and miabasher4lyf. thank you for beta-ing this fic, for giving me such warm welcome to the writing (?) community and for being my friend. i swear i wasn't going to write more but you guys have always been so encouraging and it makes me want to try. a little note from Wiki:
> 
> _daemon's form: a child's dæmon has no fixed form, and may suddenly change into another animal's shape according to whim and circumstance. This shape-shifting ability, and the fact that a dæmon disappears instantly upon its human's death, implies that dæmons are not completely corporeal. However, their bodies are solid, and they can interact fully with people and objects in the material world. As children develop their mature personalities during puberty, their dæmons "settle" into a form which reflects the person's personality. _
> 
> trigger warning: parental abuse, brief mentions of self-harm and sex. please stay safe!

_the world is too heavy,_   
_too big for my shoulders._   
_come take the weight off me now._   
_thousands of answers,_   
_to one simple question._   
_come take the weight off me now._

— athlete, rubik's cube

* * *

**_before._ **

.

Nayeon’s earliest memory of her adopted parents involves her father’s office. A pristine, brightly-lit room with grey paint and an oak desk overlooking the floor-to-ceiling view of their garden.

The smell of his heady, expensive cologne permeated the air as he leaned himself onto the table, arms folded and sending her a dark, calculative stare.

“You are an Im now.” she remembers how her father had started the conversation, his tone low but authoritative. “Do you know what that means?”

Valerian had shifted into something smaller, something insignificant, a deer mouse so that he could hide under her tattered hoodie, shaking like a leaf and nosing at her neck for comfort. _ I don’t like the way he’s looking at us_, came her daemon’s terrified voice through their connection. _ Can’t we go back to the foster care? I quite—_

“Nayeon. I asked you a question.”

Seven year old Nayeon swallowed, rubbing her sweaty hands on her skirt as she tried to buy herself some time before answering.

“No, sir."

“It means,” he enunciated, “that there is no room for weakness. You are officially my daughter now. There are certain expectations that you need to meet. Do you think you can handle that?”

_ No_, she wants to say, but doesn’t. Because as much as Valerian likes their previous foster parents, Nayeon craves permanency. She wants a room she can decorate and to sleep peacefully on one familiar mattress instead of five different ones that her body won’t be able to get used to before she gets shifted to yet another foster home. The Ims are powerful; they can provide that and more.

“Yes, sir.”

He leaned back at her reply, looking pleased. “Good. Because you know what happens if you fail, don’t you?”

Silence.

“You get sent back.”

.

She learns two months into the family that being an Im is hard. There are rules, etiquette and lessons that she has to follow and it makes her head spin.

Her father’s hands on her skinny shoulder are firm and heavy as he looms over her during one of his lessons.

“Are you sure that’s the right answer?” he squeezes her shoulder. His saw-scaled viper daemon does the same, wrapping herself around Valerian’s ferret body in a loose grip, enough for him to move but not to escape, and tongue flicking out with contempt.

The gesture is painful and tears prick her eyes, blurring the paper in front of her. She feels suffocated. Her tiny fist clutching the pencil trembles as her brain fails to grasp the worksheet in front of her. She’s _ trying _ but they don’t teach this in foster care.

His hands slide away, sighing in distaste before announcing that they’ll take a 15 minute break.

The word _ disappointment _ that comes out under her father’s breath before the click of the door is deafening and will haunt her for years.

She’ll just have to try harder next time.

.

Valerian settles his final form when she turns fifteen.

His body is slender and agile, bigger than the average fox, with pointed ears and a dark elongated muzzle equipped with sharp teeth. He has a coat the color of tangerine-orange that turns flaming fire under the light, with white underfur that is lustrous and soft to the touch.

He’s beautiful and regal and everything Nayeon should ever wish to have in a daemon.

Valerian remains immobile when Nayeon beckons him closer and she feels her heart bleed a little when she sees the look in his eyes.

His voice shakes when he speaks, ears flattened against his head and hunching on his hind legs as if he wishes the ground to swallow him. “Nayeon. Is— is this okay? Even if I’m like this?”

She wraps an arm around his neck and buries her face into his soft pelt. “Valerian, it’s okay.” she mumbles, running her fingers gently to assuage him. “I love you, regardless of your form.”

It’s a lie and they both can hear it in her voice because they know what the implications of having a fox daemon are in this society. But she’s an Im now; a proper, true Im. That little orphan girl with dirty, tattered clothes too big for her size is dead. She has to endure this.

Valerian whines and scoots onto her lap like he used to when he was smaller— back when he was a cat, a mouse, an otter, a ferret, _ anything but a fox—_ and she tries to still her trembling frame enough to rock her daemon back and forth, both two lost souls on their empty bedroom floor.

Her father is the most ecstatic person when she finally reveals her daemon after his trip. There is an inexplicably avaricious glint in his eyes when he sees Valerian trailing behind her footsteps.

“People with fox daemons are known to make good business partners.” he grins approvingly. “I had a friend once. He’s the most shrewd and devious partner I’ve ever met, sometimes downright cold-blooded with how he inveigled his way up the corporate ladder. It suits you well, Nayeon.”

.

Having a fox as a daemon also comes with a reputation that she knows will bound to circulate the school.

They call her many names; a vixen, a slut, a bad omen. Nayeon imagines this is what being pelted with stones might’ve felt like, each one nicking her body little by little until her whole being is gaping with open wounds.

The boys glance at her with looks that are borderline predatory and the girls turn wary whenever she approaches. She has gotten used to the way conversations die within her vicinity and how the watchful eyes trail over her form and wait for her to slip.

She takes everything— the gazes, the hushed whispers, the slurs, the expectations of being an Im pressing down her shoulders— in stride and gives them exactly what they want. She gives and gives and gives what they want until they’ve bled her dry and she’s left nothing but an empty husk.

.

She doesn’t remember much about the day leading up to her first meeting with Mina but everything else is vividly fresh in her mind.

Her class is buzzing with conversations, all revolving around a topic about two new Japanese transfers— the Myoui sisters. One taller than the other, blonde hair streaked with pink highlights, a bubbly personality and a dazzling smile that could blind your eyes and leave you dazed. There isn’t much information regarding the little sister and Nayeon assumes that it’s because the older one takes all the spotlight. A pity.

Nayeon doesn’t participate in their conversations though, content on doodling mathematical equations on her sheets with the constant presence of Valerian’s bushy tail curled around her ankles as their History teacher drones on and on. When the bell rings, she’s the first to pack her bags, eager to get home and watch a rerun of her favourite drama before her father’s lesson.

Her movements are swift and purposeful as she weaves through the gaps of the crowd in the hallway, deftly avoiding colliding bodies with her petite frame. She can hear Valerian’s pittering steps on the marble flooring as he tries to keep up with her.

A particular loud whimper catches her sharp hearing as she’s about to leave the place.

Nayeon blinks and stops walking. Spins around to locate the owner but the throngs of people make it hard to see.

“Did you hear that, Valerian?”

Valerian nudges his muzzle under her palm before directing her hand to the lockers.

_ By the lockers_, comes his guttural voice through their connection. _ The girl, there. _

She doesn’t recognize the face. The girl he mentions is shorter than her, with dark hair that cascades down to her back in waves. She’s wearing faded blue skinny jeans and plaid with a white shirt underneath. The girl looks new, lost and overwhelmed and her heart tugs at the sight.

She buries her fingers into Valerien’s soft pelt and lets her daemon guide her to the girl.

Nayeon tries to appear polite as she approaches to introduce herself. “Hello, my name is Nayeon. Are you lost?”

But because she’s Im Nayeon, she can’t help the bubbling criticism from escaping her mouth and follows with a, “I hate David Levithan’s books by the way. The plots are always boring.” while gesturing to the book clutched to the other girl’s chest.

The other girl stares wide-eyed at her daemon and then back at her. Nayeon steels herself for the onslaught of disgust, the wariness to appear on her face like all the new transfer students before her but what comes out next from the girl’s mouth bewilders her.

“Your front teeth make you look like a rabbit.” she blurts out.

Nayeon is used to praises laced with thinly veiled contempt and wildfire rumors behind her back when people think she can’t hear. It’s both startling and unfamiliar to hear someone say that.

“That's… a first.” Nayeon begins carefully. “Is that supposed to be a compliment then?”

She is immediately endeared when the other girl hastily nods with a soft _ yes, of course! _prior to ducking her head to hide dusting cheeks behind curtained hair.

“I still don’t know your name.” Nayeon gently reminds her.

At her side, Valerian curiously steps closer to the girl and sniffs at her bag slung to her side. _ Valerian, stop, _ she reprimands him, _ you know the rules so what are you—_

There is a fuzzy white loaf hiding inside the other girl’s bag, with two floppy ears. The loaf moves around before revealing a sniveling pink nose and then his head.

“My name’s Myoui Mina and this is my rabbit daemon, Camelai.” the girl finally replies, shy with a smile that reminds Nayeon of a sun peeking behind the clouds.

Nayeon feels something unfurls inside her chest.

.

She leads Myoui Mina to the library as the girl explains on their way there that her battery had died earlier in class and that she had no means of contacting her sister and no clue where the library, the place they agreed to meet, was. 

Their conversation halts when a blur of pink engulfs Mina in a tight hug suddenly.

“Mi-tang! I was so worried when I couldn’t call you! Where have you been?!”

Meeting Sana is an eventful experience, to say the least. The older girl doesn’t seem to understand the concept of personal space when she tackles Nayeon in another hug to thank her for _ keeping my baby sister safe. _

Mina looks embarrassed at her sister’s antics but the fond look she sends them quell Nayeon’s nerves enough not to shove the older girl’s hands away. Nayeon also takes immense satisfaction to see Valerian in a similar position as he yowls away from the shiba inu daemon that is enthusiastically trying to lick his muzzle.

.

Myoui Mina ends up sticking close to her for the next few days. They share three classes together in total and they always end up sitting next to each other in every one of them.

Mina is gifted, especially in Biology. She’s probably the only student in their year that can cleanly beat Nayeon in a test. Nayeon is vindictive about it at first, has thoughts of abandoning this clingy, shy girl to fend on her own in this vicious nightmare that is high school as she goes about her own life but something pulls her away from the idea.

Because Camelai is lying at their feet, legs tucked underneath his body in a loaf as he presses close to Valerian’s side, with a droopy head and eyes half open lazily; a picture of a perfectly relaxed bunny.

Nayeon has read about this when she was younger, back when she was desperate to understand the basics of daemons’ body languages, to learn and discern when her presence is unwanted by observing their daemons’ behavior.

Mina’s daemon is the first ever to show her own with such trust, a kindness that holds no judgement.

This should’ve been her first clue.

.

The Ims throw a party every year to flaunt their wealth. It also provides her parents with opportunities to secure connections. As the only Im heiress, her attendance is required to entertain the rich parents’ daughters and sons; both figuratively and literally.

Sex quietens the roaring thoughts in her head, enough for her to stop thinking for a while. She has no interest in the lanky, arrogant boys or the eager, curious girls that come to her for attention. They’re only interested in having a taste of the girl with the fox daemon.

For Nayeon, it’s the touch that she craves, like an addicted man deprived of his cigarettes. Most of the time it ends with bruises around her hips and welts on her shoulders. Kind boys and girls are few and far between.

She has tried everything from reading to blasting her ears with loud, angry music, but nothing works. The voices are incessant, pushing through her subconscious even though she’d built concrete walls around it.

_Love is for little children,_ _Nayeon_, comes her mother’s warning voice. _Your father and I didn’t marry for love but we made the best of our circumstances. You’ll understand it later when you’re older._

_ Look at me now, _ she thinks as the boy nips at her earlobe. _ Aren’t you proud of me._

.

Her parents allow Nayeon to pick one hobby that she could stick to and she finds salvation in acting.

When she was younger, her parents occasionally brought her out for some Broadway shows. Little Nayeon was utterly fascinated by the way the cast and crew worked harmoniously together to deliver a beautiful and impactful story.

She applies for a spot in their school drama club and falls in love a little with the way everything works. Nayeon doesn’t do well with emotions but with a script, it comes easiest to her. The mannerisms and expressions are descriptive enough for her to mimic, unlike the jumbled voices in her head.

Her first big role comes when she’s sixteen.

Her parents are too busy to come but she spots Mina with her two older sisters, Momo and Sana, at the back rows and feels her heart burst when the Myoui sisters do a standing ovation towards the ending.

.

Patience is the last lesson she struggles to learn. Her mother had to sit her down for hours in the study room, on days when she is free from lawyer duties, while her tutor drills in the difficult concepts again and again until she finally gets them. Not understanding something gives her restlessness but not understanding something after days of trying makes her hysterical.

It’s pure self perseverance kicking from her foster care days, her father’s threat ringing clear in her head. She doesn’t need to be good, she has to be _ perfect _. There is no room for mistakes and second chances.

So she waits patiently and keeps a watchful eye on Mina’s body languages, waits for the news of her past trysts and forked tongues to poison Mina’s impression of Nayeon.

But Nayeon should’ve known better because Myoui Mina never ceases to surprise her.

They are in Nayeon’s bedroom discussing their upcoming Chemistry lab experiment. Nayeon has to double check with her helpers about her father’s whereabouts before she says yes to the sleepover.

( the first time she brought Mina to her house and invited her for a family dinner, her parents had looked a little too proud that Nayeon managed to make friends with the renowned orthopedic surgeon Myoui Akira’s youngest daughter.

since then Nayeon is always careful to only bring Mina when her parents aren’t around. Mina isn’t a pawn for her father’s game. Nayeon doesn’t quite know where to place Mina yet in her life but Nayeon knows she’s worth much more than anything her father has intentions on. )

Nayeon stretches on her queen sized bed, her mind addled and exhausted from the discussion. She feels an incoming headache pounding in.

“What is this, Nayeon?” comes Mina’s soft inquisitive voice.

She hisses when Mina’s fingers sweep across the black-blue bruises on her hip from where her shirt had ridden up. Mina looks up at her in alarm.

“Nayeon, that’s a serious bruise. Who did this to you?”

She waves off Mina’s concern dismissively. “It’s nothing big. One of my,” Nayeon pauses, searching for the right words, “friends had been a little too rough last week.”

Mina lifts her bag near Nayeon’s study table, rummaging inside before pulling out an ointment tube. Nayeon feels a laugh bubbling out from her chest.

“Do you always carry first aid for everything?” she quips, elbows propped on her pillows as she looks on fondly at her friend’s fretting.

“Sa-tang is really clumsy so I have to always be prepared.”

The girl ushers her to lie back and proceeds to pull her shirt upwards. The salve is cool on her skin but Mina’s touch is feather-like as she applies it. Her forehead is furrowed in deep concentration and Nayeon has the urge to smoothen it.

The atmosphere is quiet and comfortable. Nayeon is lulled into a sense of security under the careful movements of her friend. Almost.

“I wish you would stop these nightly activities. It looks dangerous.” Mina murmurs.

Nayeon immediately bristles at the words. Her walls are ten feet tall. She clutches Mina’s hand hard to still her movements. “He’s a friend I regularly meet. He’s harmless.” she snaps irritably. “We’ve talked about this before.”

“But the people you hang around always look suspicious!” she argues back.

“What I do outside of school is none of your business, Mina.”

Mina recoils physically at her tone, looking wounded and Nayeon has to bite her tongue to refrain herself from comforting her. She still feels so angry.

“Why are you being like this?” Mina looks down, fiddling with the tube in her hand, voice laden with hurt. 

“Maybe it’s because you don’t know me at all. You’ve been in our school for months now so I’m sure you’ve heard of the rumors about me.” she spews hatefully. Her mind is muddled and her thoughts muted. The only thing she can feel is the overwhelming desire to _ ruin something. _

Mina has never been a confrontational person but her gaze is steady and her voice is firm when she says, “I might not know Im Nayeon the heiress, but I know my friend Nayeon. And that Nayeon is always kind to me. She took me under her wings. She accompanies me every day during lunch when I had no one and she spare carrots for my daemon and drives me home on days when my sisters couldn’t.”

She hesitates for a few seconds before she tugs Nayeon’s pinky insistently so she could lace their fingers one by one.

“I really care about you, Nayeonnie. And it hurts me when I see you let people treat you like that.” Mina admits softy. “You deserve to be treated with care, just like the way you’ve always treated me and I want to be here, for you, so I can remind you that.”

The urge to lash out recedes almost immediately. Nayeon is tongue-tied by the honest confession, shocked and utterly confused at the turn of events. She expected Mina to bolt and cut ties forever with her but never this.

No one has ever stayed for Nayeon before.

Mina seems to sense her turmoil because she scoots closer so she can tuck her head under Nayeon’s chin, her thumb not laced with hers brushing soothingly across the paper thin skin of her wrist.

.

Afterwards, Nayeon stops her nightly activities and tries her best to control her outbursts around Mina. It’s difficult because most of the time, she is hardwired to speak like unswept glass that cuts when people least expect it, irascible and has a temper that is sporadic at best. It has been her defense mechanism for so long now.

But she thinks of Mina’s wounded expression and it’s enough to pacify the inferno inside her.

This should’ve been her second clue.

.

The difference between how her parents and Mina’s parents act with each other are striking. Her parents’ gestures are always stiff and deliberate, a mere illusion of a happy family to the public. She doesn’t understand how she’s the only one who can see it– the way her father’s smile is wearing thin and her mother’s eyes are hollow and jaded.

Mr. and Mrs. Myoui are both doctors but they still try their best to spend important events with their children. Mina had invited Nayeon earlier today for a small party to celebrate Momo’s first place in her university’s dance competition and later, a sleepover. Nayeon was hesitant to accept but Mina had looked so hopeful that she didn’t have the heart to decline.

The dining room is filled with Mr. Myoui’s boisterous laughs, Mrs. Myoui’s nagging over their table manners, Momo and Sana’s constant bickering and Mina’s occasional quips. Nobody says anything about Valerian the entire time she is there and Nayeon has an inkling that Mina had a hand in it.

Nayeon spends the entire dinner observing the Myoui family. More than anything, she envies the kind of relationship Mina has with Momo and Sana. 

The Myoui sisters have an indestructible bond that runs deeper than the blood that flows through their hearts, an adamantine chain. It’s a bond that is forged through loyalty and steeled with time. Each one of them holds the knowledge of where exactly to drive the knife to hurt the other most but trusts each other not to. They bicker and rile one another up, push each other beyond their boundaries, to be _ better _and exhibit sheer protectiveness when one breaks.

It's the most beautiful thing Nayeon has had the privilege of witnessing. 

.

If Nayeon has acting, then Mina has dancing.

She likes accompanying Mina to her dance academy. The Myoui sisters are the academy’s golden students and one of their perks is that the sisters can get a private room any time without prior booking.

She’s seen the way the Myoui sisters dance. Momo’s dancing is all about power and versatility, with big and emphasized movements. Sana’s the slowest when it comes to memorizing choreography but her movements are sharp and she knows how to bait the audience with her expressions.

Mina’s her favorite, though.

She’s the most elegant and prettiest little thing, especially when she does ballet. Nayeon couldn’t tear her eyes away the first time Mina danced in front of her. Her best friend transforms into a different person when she dances, withthe technicalities of it, her movements fluid like water and gentle like a dove, as if her feet never touch the ground. There is none of the nervousness or awkwardness that Mina usually displays.

When Mina is stressed, she would go to the academy to dance and Nayeon would tag along so she could do some reading. The classical music Mina plays are calming and the two of them would spend hours sharing a space in silence.

The light touch on her shoulder makes her freeze before she relaxes at the body engulfing her.

“I didn't mean to startle you. What are you reading?” Mina inquires, chin propped on Nayeon’s shoulder as she peers at the book in her hand.

“Greek mythology. I was in a rush so I just took whatever first book I saw.”

“The only thing I know about Greek mythology is from the Percy Jackson movies.” Mina’s laughter is delicate and clear, like a distant tinkling of silver bells and Nayeon tucks this sound close to her heart as the girl buries her face further into her hair. “Tell me about your favorite story.”

Nayeon hums as she ponders. “I don’t really have a favorite story but the Altas part is pretty interesting.” When Mina tells her not to stop, she continues. “There was a war between the Titans and the Olympian Gods. Atlas and his brother led the war for the Titans and when they lost, Zeus banished all of them to Tartarus. But Zeus had a different plan for Atlas. He separated Atlas from his brother and condemned him to carry the weight of the sky. And since he’s immortal, he had to carry the burden for eternity.”

Mina tightens her hold around Nayeon’s waist. “That’s really sad. If only Atlas had someone to share the burden with.”

Nayeon stays silent at the remark, opts for tracing the printed letters on the page instead. The words are pushing through her ribcages, a rattling _ bam bam bam _ but she forces it down. She wants to keep this secret a little longer to herself.

_ It’s you_, Nayeon thinks. _ You’re my half of Atlas. _

.

The days turn to weeks which bleeds into months and before Nayeon knows it, they’re in senior year. Nayeon has elected herself as Mina’s designated driver to school every day now that Sana graduated.

The pressure as seniors skyrocket. The teachers keep pestering them about college applications but both Nayeon and Mina have everything planned out.

They are going to apply to the same university. As the Im heiress, Business is the only major Nayeon’s allowed to take but she had managed to persuade her parents into allowing her to take a minor degree in Performing Arts. And as for Mina, well, Nayeon couldn’t think of anything else but Medicine. The girl has been carrying first aid kits and attending to her sister’s clumsy self-injuries since she was ten.

But there is an anomaly to their plans now.

Yoo Jeongyeon.

Nayeon concludes that Yoo Jeongyeon’s jokes are stupid.

There’s nothing remotely funny about anything that comes out from the girl’s mouth but somehow, Nayeon often finds Mina giggling to every one of them.

The two of them have been spending time lately ever since summer break when they bond over the love of puzzles and Legos and _by_ _association_, Nayeon is also forced to sit there and endure Yoo Jeongyeon’s lame jokes. She never thought that the varsity player could be such a _nerd_.

But Jeongyeon takes good care of Mina. She sees it in the way the girl slowly guides Mina through the crowds with a firm hand pressed on her back and their daemons entangled together as Nayeon looks on from behind, in the way she spares a jacket in her car for Mina when it gets too cold and in the way she always buys Mina _ melon pan _ at a Japanese bakery at least a 20 minute drive from school because it’s Mina’s favorite.

Nayeon might not like Yoo Jeongyeon’s jokes but she trusts the girl wholeheartedly when it comes to Mina’s heart and happiness.

.

“Jeongyeon asked me out on a date today.”

The pen in Nayeon’s hand stills. She swivels the chair to face her best friend currently lying on her bed. This is more important than their homework. She can see that this has been bugging Mina since she entered her room.

“I’m assuming you said yes then.”

Mina sighs, rolls her body left and right on her bed in frustration. “I didn’t! I told her I’ll think about it.”

“Mina, the two of you have been practically attached at the hips since summer break.” she points out.

“So you think I should say yes?”

Something ugly inside Nayeon wants to say no. She doesn’t want to share Mina with anyone else. It would be so easy to do so because Mina trusts her judgments. 

“Yes. I might find her jokes annoying but I think she really likes you.”

The pure elation on Mina’s face is blinding. “She likes me?”

Nayeon snorts. They’re both blind as bats. Anyone can see that they like each other.

.

( later, much later, after months into their relationship, sana drags nayeon into her room and asks a peculiar question.

“are you okay with the two of them dating?”

nayeon frowns. this feels like an interrogation. “why wouldn’t i be?”

sana looks at her with something akin to pity. “oh, nayeon. you’re the smartest person i’ve ever met but you really need to work on your eq. it’s in the negatives.” 

the third clue. nayeon is starting to see a pattern here. )

.

_ “Have you guys heard? Jeongyeon is dating Mina.” _

_ “Myoui Mina? I thought she was dating Nayeon?” _

_ “Apparently, they’re just friends.” _

_ The laughter is shrill and mocking. “Friends with benefits, I’m sure because Nayeon fucks with just about anything that moves. Good for Myoui, though. Nayeon might be good with sex but no one wants to be with a trickster.” _

.

She hears the news first before Mina does and hurriedly bursts into the infirmary.

“What the hell, Yoo Jeongyeon!”

The girl is nursing a black eye, an ice pack being pressed to the injury to reduce the swelling. Jeongyeon remains quiet on the infirmary bed as she watches Nayeon pace back and forth. Valerian feels his hackles rise as he matches Nayeon’s anger and growls at the eagle daemon perching on the bed railing.

“You got into a fight? Why?” she demands, pushing the hand holding the ice pack away so she could see her expressions properly. When the girl remains silent, she snaps. “Listen, you’re dating my best friend but if you’re a violent person, I will not–”

“I would never lay a hand on Mina!” Jeongyeon exclaims.

Nayeon doesn’t miss a beat when she asks her why. “It isn’t like you to get into a fight, Yoo.”

Jeongyeon sighs reluctantly. “They were talking bad about you two.”

“What did they say?”

Jeongyeon shifts uncomfortably on the bed. “I’d rather not say. You’re better off not knowing.”

.

Her head is light, like she’s floating in the clouds and her thoughts are a disorganized, hazy mess that she can’t sort.

She digs at her palm, hoping to find something, anything that can ground her. There are half crescent marks the shape of her nails and she presses it further, relishing at the telltale sting as her nails break the skin.

Nayeon has this ridiculous thought that she can be someone better underneath all that skin— like spending your whole life covered in mud and filth, looking at yourself in the mirror as the rain washes away everything you think you are, but not. Maybe then she could be that someone. Someone her father could be proud of, someone worthy of her mother’s time, someone who doesn’t have a fox as her daemon, someone _ good _.

When Nayeon finally comes to, there are soft fingers ghosting over her face. It’s comforting and easy. She breathes in relief and relaxes herself, feeling the stiff and tensed muscle everywhere, sinking towards her best friend’s embrace, boneless.

“_Okaerinasai _.” Mina murmurs in heavy Kansai-ben as she hugs her tighter.

Nayeon lets out a low laugh at the inside joke. “Don’t you have a date with Jeongyeon today?”

Mina’s tone is firm. “It’s cancelled now. You’re my priority.”

Mina squeezes her shoulders before letting go and heads to her own room for a change of outfits. She comes back carrying a first aid kit. Nayeon scoots backwards until she’s leaning on the headboard, palms up on her lap.

It’s routine by now, even though it’s been a while. Mina treats her wounds with a topical antiseptic, letting the cream absorb into her skin before deft fingers wrap them in a semi-occlusive dressing that fits just right. At the foot of her bed, she sees Camelai grooming Valerian in the same manner. Afterwards, they tuck themselves under Nayeon’s blankets and lie down on their sides, staring at each other like little children during sleepovers.

“How was dinner with your parents?”

Nayeon buries her nose into the pillows, peeking at her with one eye, the burn at the back of her throat suddenly overwhelming. She swallows it back and replies Mina with a shake of her head instead. She doesn’t want to talk about it. At least, not while the other girl is here, her presence a balm to her wounded heart. Bringing it up would only make it weeping.

“Have you been having a lot of episodes lately?”

This is an easier question. Nayeon knows Mina is concerned that she might be having a relapse.

“No, this is the first in years. I promise. I’m sorry I worried you and made you cancel the date.”

Mina sends her a withering glare. “Stop it.” she chides. “Because I’m not.”

Mina tugs at the hem of her shirt and Nayeon complies. She tucks her head under Mina’s chin as she buries her nose into her neck, inhaling the smell of vanilla and jasmine. Mina’s touch around her waist is tight and tangible. Nayeon flits a hand underneath Mina’s shirt and softly taps the secret codes into her skin. She’s so very grateful that Mina never pries.

( if she had, Nayeon knows that she will lie. )

“You remember what I said right, Nayeonnie?” she presses a kiss to the crown of her hair. “You need to be kinder to yourself.”

In the arms of her best friend, Nayeon finds forgiveness.

.

_ “im nayeon. are you getting soft on me?” _

_ “if i die, would you bring me back?” _

_ “i love you too xoxo” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be my last, I swear. The chapter was too long so I had to split it into two.
> 
> My writing skill isn't that good and English isn't my native language so I would appreciate any constructive criticism that you can give me! Thank you in advance for reading this!
> 
> my twitter: @dblckparade if you wanna rant/etc


	3. but inside my heart, there's a picture of a girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a collar around Nayeon’s neck and Mina has her by the leash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: graphic violence, swearing.
> 
> beta by: xylomyloo and longlive_mn.
> 
> It's going to be a roller-coaster of emotions. Do note that from here on, this fic will diverge from the His Darkest Materials world.
> 
> P.S Happy birthday in advance, Sophie!

_some call love a worth, some call love a thief._  
_but she's my home._  
_and she's as much apart for this broken heart,_  
_but see broken bones always seem to mend._  
_i'll taste the devil's tears,_  
_drink from his soul,_  
_but i'll never give up you._  
— The Devil's Tears by Angus & Julia Stone

* * *

**_after._ **

.

The incessant vibration of her phone from an unknown number is annoying and Nayeon quickly declines it every single time. This is her last class before the party tonight and she wants to write as many notes as possible so she can study for their upcoming test next Thursday.

Nayeon’s about to decline the call again when she notices the different caller name.

Momo.

The eldest sister and Nayeon don't speak very often so this must be important.

Nayeon feels bile rising up her throat.

.

This is Nayeon’s second funeral two years in a row. Nayeon’s hands are shaking too hard and the tears won’t stop spilling over. The black dress feels suffocating, like someone is trying to drown her. They’re going to be late.

Valerian nips at her fingers lightly towards the bed before she could collapse on her knees. He sits on her lap and furls his bushy tail across her waist like he’s trying to hide her from the world and Nayeon clutches his pelt like a lifeline. Nayeon is fifteen all over again, back when Valerian first settled. The two of them against the whole world.

“I can’t do this, Valerian.” she pleads him. “I can’t see her like that. Valerian, please. _ Please. _”

Valerian licks away the salty tears on her face before he presses their foreheads together. “You have to go, Nayeonnie. At least, say your goodbyes to her. I’ll never get that chance with Camelai.”

“Okay.” she shudders, then nods like a little child. “But I need— flowers. I need to get flowers first.”

.

Nayeon’s the last to arrive. The walk to the casket feels like she’s heading for her execution. Her legs are leaden, shackled by the weight of her emotions.

Nayeon fiddles with the flowers in one hand, scrubbing the tears from her cheeks with the other. When her turn comes, she steps forward, drops a bouquet of purple heliotropes and watches as it falls six feet down onto the casket with the rest of the white lilies.

_ Why didn’t you go with lilies like the florist suggested? Is there a meaning behind heliotropes?, _ Valerian prods.

_ There was a nymph named Clytie, _ and even through their connection Nayeon can hear how her voice bleeds with indescribable grief, _ who was in love with the god of sun, Apollo, but he didn’t return her affections. Heartbroken, she sat there weeping for nine days while staring at the sun. The other gods felt sorry for her so they turned her into a flower named heliotrope that always faces the sun. A heliotrope flower means devotion. _

Nayeon thinks of Mina’s gummy smiles, how the rows of white teeth perfect from wearing braces always show, how the smile had first reminded her of a sun peeking from behind the clouds because Nayeon was new and unfamiliar and Mina was shy and later, how her eyes would crinkle when she’s happy.

_ i want to be here, for you. _

_ i’d like to follow you. wherever that is. _

She looks on as they shovel dirt into the grave, little by little, until it swallows the bouquet and her best friend along with it.

Nayeon thinks this is what death might feel like.

.

Her body feels heavy as she turns towards the knock on the door. The knob twists and her mother enters and sits gingerly at the edge of the bed.

Her mother’s touch on her hair is comforting. “How are you feeling?” is a question she has been asking every day since the funeral three weeks ago.

“I don't know yet today. It’s too early to tell.” she replies honestly.

“Your father and I talked and we think it’s best if you go and visit the family vacation house to take your mind off. Would you like that? I can talk to the Dean for you.”

Her mother’s tone is apologetic when she tells her this. Nayeon knows then that her mother had tried her best to dissuade her father from this plan but his decisions are iron. He doesn’t know how to handle a grieving child so he’s trying to send her away.

Nayeon nods. Maybe being away might help her get better.

. 

The vacation house is spacious but empty, decorations plain and lacking personality. It’s a house, not a home.

Nayeon spends her time there mostly staring at the ocean, sand under her feet as the water licks her toes. The wind is strong and tastes salty but the tide is low and calm, unlike the grief inside her. Her favourite time is when the sun sets, how the blazing red orb slowly sinks beneath the horizons and painting the sky first with orange, before it blends to red, then dark blue until it disappears completely.

“You promised me you would teach me how to swim.” she murmurs into the Stygian abyss.

.

There is a library inside the house. Thousands of books— old and new— displayed in various sizes, waiting for their turn to speak with permanent ink that lasts for centuries. The books are bound with different materials— leather, buckram, decorative paper— and some of them backed with meticulous craftsmanship. The bookcases seem to heaved under the weight of the volumes, stacked neatly next to each other. 

Nayeon lies on the carpet as she waits for Valerian to choose a book, inhaling the lingering smell of old books and vanillin.

_ What will it be today? Have you decided on a title? , _Nayeon asks her daemon monotonously as he roams through the shelves. 

_ This one,_ Valerian decides as he noses the book. 

She stands up and gingerly picks the book from the shelf. The book is old, the leather feels soft and delicate under her touch. She runs a thumb over the faded gold lettering on the cover. _ The Theology of Resurrection. _

She sits there for hours, pouring herself into the pages. She reads and scours the book until her eyes begin to sting and the words blend into nonsense. And then, after she has finished the book, she pulls another similar book and reads. Repeats this for two whole months.

A plan begins to formulate inside Nayeon’s mind.

.

  
  


The park isn’t that far off from the university so she had opted to walk instead, turning a blind eye when she crosses past the bus stop where Mina had been found. As she nears the park, she can see children bustling around, loud and happy as they run around the place energetically. 

The investigator she hired says she’s usually here around this time of day, so Nayeon stands and waits, eyeing the playground from a distance with arms folded as she seeks shelter under the trees. She wants to see her with her own eyes.

After ten minutes of waiting, Valerian suddenly yelps when a ball flies over his ears. Nayeon follows him instinctively and dives down.

A small girl with her lion cub daemon trots in front of Nayeon. 

“Unnie, I’m sorry!” the girl bows apologetically. “I accidentally kicked the ball too hard.”

“Chaengie!” comes a quieter voice behind them. “You should watch where you kick it next time.” the tall tanned girl scolds her friend, before she follows her friend with a bow.

_ There she is, _ Nayeon smiles indulgently. 

Seven year old Chou Tzuyu gasps as her eyes go round at Nayeon. “Oh, unnie! I like your two front teeth. It looks like a bunny!”

The ritual that she researched is very thorough and detailed. Nayeon has the hit and run driver’s location pinned down with the help of the investigator. A son of a politician. It’s appalling, how weak and corrupted the country’s jurisdiction system can be with the right amount of money and power. Nayeon also has power though, as an Im, and she could take immense pleasure at the thought of carving out the felon’s heart with her bare hands and seeing the light in his eyes fade. A life for a life. And it would’ve been _ easy _ too, if it weren't for the little girl Mina saved. A tiny prick on her arm is nothing on a healthy child. She just needs a little blood from the saved. 

The girl is tall for her age, with long braided hair, a deep dimple on one of her cheeks and two big ears that oddly reminds Nayeon of a character from the Star Wars films Mina used to make her watch with her. She exudes a soft and gentle demeanor as she clings to her husky daemon’s neck affectionately. When she talks, there is a slight tilt in her accent that gives her away.

Chou Tzuyu reminds Nayeon of Mina.

Mind made up, Nayeon gathers the ball rolled at her feet in her hands and nudges it towards the girl with the lion cub daemon, patting them both on the top of their heads before walking away languorously. “Be careful where you kick it next time, kids.”

"Okay!" the two children reply in chorus. 

“Tzuyu, that unnie is suspicious. The way she’s looking at you is scary,” the smaller girl whispers when she thinks Nayeon is out of earshot. “ I think we should stick to other kids next time. My mommy says strangers are bad people.”

“That’s not true, Chaengie. Not all strangers are bad. Mama said an unnie saved my life once.”

_ And then she died for it, _Nayeon adds in resentment. 

She wishes Mina was a little selfish. 

.

( once, during summer break when they’re nineteen, Mina had gotten lost while trying to find a café that went viral on social media for their watermelon juice.

Nayeon didn’t understand why Mina was so obsessed with that disgusting fruit but she had received a text from the girl after drama practice, asking Nayeon to pick her up because the sky was overcast and she had came there alone by public transport.

Nayeon found the girl sitting on a wooden bench in front of the café, sipping her drink while her legs swung actively as she waited for her.

“You didn’t even give me correct directions to the café!” Nayeon complained the moment she was in front of her best friend. “And you made me walk 15 minutes away from where I parked. In heels! This place is so secluded. You’re lucky I didn’t get lost! What if I didn’t manage to find you?” she huffed as she crossed her arms, looking down at the other girl disapprovingly.

Nayeon shook her head when the other girl offered Nayeon her watermelon juice.

“I knew you’d find me.” she answered cheekily.

“I’m not a map, Mina.” she rolled her eyes derisively.

Her irritation dissipated when Mina flashed her a gummy smile. Mina’s smiles had always been her biggest weakness and Nayeon suspected Mina knew this.

“You always know where to find me. Just like how you found me in the hallways when we first met.”

Her windswept hair had made her look young and delicate then. Nayeon’s heart swelled with immense endearment. She couldn’t resist cupping Mina’s chin with one hand afterwards, the other hand tucking the loose strays of hairs behind her ear.

At that moment, it had felt like Nayeon was cradling her entire fragile existence in her palms. She could’ve burned the whole world into nothingness if it meant she could keep this one thing in her life. )

.

The metal is solid and cool to the touch. It’s fascinating to Nayeon, how something so small can be so destructive and effective.

“Tell me how to bring her back.”

Krovopuskov sighs as he slides from behind his desk. “Miss Im,” he begins in a patronizing tone, “bringing someone—”

Nayeon pulls the safety notch of the gun. Her heart is calm, a constant thrum inside her ribcage. It took her almost a year to find the professor, sly man that he is. Hiding under layers of identities and fake backgrounds before she finally managed to catch him, two steps ahead. 

Nayeon has nothing to lose.

"I know the statistics. What I don't know is the hows. A little bird told me you know the hows."

A beat.

And then, he sags with defeat. "A remote town at the end of the world. Molodogvardeyskaya, Russia. There's a shaman with the name of Cykr-Yngath. He has been known to successfully perform the art of resurrection a few times."

Nayeon’s lips curl into a biting smile. “Now, was that hard?” she teases the man.

"Resurrection does not come without a price, Miss Im Nayeon. The dead are not worth it."

The grin slides off her face, her heart reaching a crescendo as wrath courses through her body. Languidly, she slinks closer to the man, until the barrel of the gun kisses his forehead and his breath hitches in fear. Nayeon has the sudden urge to kick his shins so he would stumble and kneel. Her two hired bodyguards shift behind the shadows, waiting for her commands.

Valerian snarls at the man's feet, lips pulled upwards to bare sharp, white teeth and hind legs crouching like he's ready for a kill. Krovopuskov’s panther daemon backs away cautiously at the sight of the fox.

"The dead has a name and she's Myoui Mina.” Her grip on the gun is steady but her voice shakes with restrained anger. “She was my best friend who died saving a four year old child because her mother was too much of an_ incompetent bimbo._" Nayeon lifts her chin up and she really believes she could be what her father had said about her and a thousand times worse.

"My best friend deserves the world and I'll make sure she gets it."

.

“Do you bring it, _ devushka smerti _? The totem and everything else?”

Nayeon takes a few steps towards the disfigured blind man and puts the paper airplane necklace onto the ground between them. The necklace will help guide her to Mina, he says.

“The price. You know it?”

She shakes her head.

The blind man motions her closer.

“All rituals have three obstacles. The first is the same for everyone. Humans cannot live with the constant flashbacks of their deaths. They’ll go insane. So you have to bear the burden for her. Your sanity in exchange for hers.”

Nayeon folds her arms, blunt nails digging into her flesh. “Will it get better?”

“No, _ devushka smerti. _ It will never get better, but it will get easier to live with.”

“And the second and third obstacles?”

“It’s different for each person. Here. You need to take this for tomorrow.” He presses the dagger and the vial into her hand.

It feels heavy. The blade is sharp and made of stainless steel that glints ominously under the lighting. The dagger’s handle is carved from brown bone with intricate design and a Russian inscription that Nayeon doesn’t understand. She runs her fingers along the lettering and feels a rush of magic thrumming under her touch.

She looks up from the dagger and to the blind man. “Why do I need a dagger for?”

“You’ll know when the time comes. As for the vial, it contains a poison that will slow your heartbeat enough for you to find her. The antidote needs to be administered within twenty minutes.”

“What happens if I can’t find her in time?”

The blind man gives her a grotesque smile. “You’ll die.”

.

"Are you ready, _ devushka smerti? _"

Nayeon moves to the center, the dagger and vial in one hand and the other clutching the totem dangling around her neck, bare feet careful not to ruin the drawing of a circle with a six-petaled rose inside on the hallowed ground.

The air is warm and sinister with black magic, her crippling fear raising goosebumps on her skin. She can vaguely hear the blind man’s constant incantations somewhere at her back and smell the smoke from the bonfire nearby.

Valerian paces agitatedly around the circle. _ Nayeon! _ he barks. _ Why can’t I enter the circle? It burns every time I get close! _

“Daemons cannot follow their humans to the underworld. Their souls are too fragile for that, they’ll perish,” the blind man answers before Nayeon has the chance to ask.

_ Nayeon, no! You can’t leave me! _

She pulls the cork and downs the silver poison, tries to ignore the betrayal that washes through her from the other side. 

.

She doesn’t know where she is but there is an albino deer waiting for her at the edge of the forest. Every time she takes a step closer, the deer does the same.

When Nayeon stops moving entirely, it bleats and stomp on its hooves, points its antlers towards the forest.

It takes a while before Nayeon figures out that the deer is trying to lead her somewhere.

_ A psychocomp, _ Nayeon realizes. _ A creature responsible for escorting deceased souls to the underworld. _

Nayeon gingerly touches the deer’s back and when it remains calm, Nayeon lets it guide her forward. Her footsteps don’t make a sound as she moves. All she can hear is the thundering of her heart, like wardrums and she grips the dagger until her knuckles turn white. Her vision is limited without Valerian's night vision and she stumbles a few times as her feet catch the tree roots. It feels like she’s been walking through the forest forever when the surrounding finally clears.

And then she sees her.

Mina.

There is a projector playing and Mina is sitting crossed legged in front of it, enthralled and completely unaware of Nayeon’s presence. It’s a memory from when Mina was younger; Sana’s mischievous giggle echoing throughout the whole place as the three sisters play tag with their daemons chasing around them. Mina has a small smile on her face and Nayeon could stand there for hours, basking at the sight of her best friend.

Even three years after Mina’s death, Nayeon still mourns every day. Her grief is like the ocean; vast, unrelenting, ferocious. It comes in waves that keep engulfing and surging, always reaching a higher peak. There were days when her throat was tight with quiet sobs, like a noose that had slowly been tightening around her neck and her heart had felt too heavy, too weak and bleeding like a wounded animal, but still pumping a single word; _ mina mina mina. _ For three years, her sole goal has been this very moment.

“Nayeon?”

She feels her knees buckle. She closes her eyes at the sound, tries to memorize the tilt of her voice and how Mina pronounces each syllable. It could never compare to the voicemail because this is _ real._

Momo had given her Mina’s phone a few weeks after the funeral. The older girl had known what Nayeon was going to do. The screen was cracked but still working and so Nayeon had used her own to call Mina’s number at night, just so she could hear her soft, melodic voice saying _ Hi, this is Myoui Mina! I’m not here currently so please leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can _ on loop, staring at her contact ‘Nayeonnie’, a picture of the two of them, eyes bright and cheeks pressed together as they smiled at the camera through the fractured display. She was not the only one who did this because she had caught Jeongyeon’s number calling the phone a few times before the Myouis cut the line and Nayeon is left blind in her anguish again.

Mina touches her wet cheeks and Nayeon feels like she could soar and drown at the same time. _ Dear God_, Nayeon prays desperately. _ If the ritual fails, please don’t bring me back. If death means I get to have her in front of me, I’d die a thousand times. _

“—yeon. Nayeon, what are you doing here?”

She looks up to Mina from her kneeling position, an ardent worshiper in front of a deity, full of reverence and devotion, like Clytie had been in front of Apollo. Her throat is raspy from unshed tears when she replies, “I’m here to bring you home, Mina. Will you come with me?”

Nayeon expects Mina to question her, to ask _ where is home? _or _ where are we going? _but instead, she smiles her trademark gummy smile, links their pinkies together like those years ago when they first got to know each other and says, “I’ll go wherever you go, Nayeonnie.”

Nayeon pulls Mina up and leads them towards the forest again. Time is relative here but Nayeon has an inkling that they’re running out of it. Nayeon fastens her pace, urging Mina to do the same while they hold hands.

She is yanked backwards when Mina stops abruptly. Nayeon turns around, ready to admonish her. 

Except it’s not Mina.

She gasps when two black sclera with blown scarlet pupils and a maniacal grin greets her back. Nayeon never thought her own face would look so demonic.

“Did you really think it would be that easy? You have to get through me first.”

She hisses when other Nayeon sinks her claws into her wrist, watches as blood blooms from the punctured wounds.

“How about we play a little game, hmm, trickster? No cheating, though!” other Nayeon cackles.

.

Im Nayeon wakes up to the world burning, drenched in a pool of her blood and her own screams overshadowed by a fox’s anguished howl.

.

At 00:28 on the other side of the world, Myoui Mina takes her first breath, three years after she died.

.

The second time she wakes up, she’s in a hospital room. Her abdomen is bandaged and every movement is fire in her veins but she has to move.

“Easy there.” Krovopuskov halts her, ushering her to lie back again. “You’re wounded badly.”

“My daemon.” Nayeon chokes, prying his hands away. “Where is my daemon?”

Nayeon knows there’s something wrong the moment she wakes up. The connection to her daemon is still there but it feels so foreign and so far away, like it has been stretched thin to accommodate something incongruous. 

She yells her daemon’s name. “Valerian! Where are you?”

Nayeon becomes absolutely inconsolable when she can’t glimpse her fox daemon anywhere. She yanks the IV tubes from her arms and stumbles around the vinyl flooring. She only manages a few steps before her weak legs give out and she collapses to the floor, feeling the stitches on her abdomen pulling.

_ Valerian, please! Please, where are you?,_ she begs, pressing one hand onto the wound.

_ I’m here. _

The door creaks as Valerian pushes the door open with his muzzle.

Nayeon feels her heart stop.

Everything turns slow. Krovopuskov and his panther daemon leave to give them privacy. She watches as Valerian gingerly moves from behind the door, his muzzle shorter than she remembers, with small rounded ears and fur covered soles. His gait is slow and he leans more towards his left as he pads towards her direction but what surprises her the most is his coat. It’s entirely white from his head to the tip of his bushy tail. He’s a different type of fox now. 

“An arctic fox.” she breathes.

Valerian rubs himself onto her as he explains. _ You almost died, Nayeon. I could feel you going away. And then suddenly, there was this intense pain and I started bleeding all over. _ Nayeon sinks her fingers into his underfur, gingerly touching the patch of gauze wrapped around his belly. It matches with her injury. _ When I woke up, I already looked like this. _

_ I thought once we’ve Settled, it’s permanent? _

_ The other daemons said it’s rare but not unheard of to still change forms after we Settled. Extreme trauma and distress could cause me to shift. Which leads to the next question: what happened there, Nayeon? _

Nayeon shudders at his words, pulls him tight to her chest. She basks in his warmth and lets his steady breathing anchor her to this moment as she opens the door to their connection a little wider to let him inside. And then she burst into tears.

_ Oh, Nayeon, _ Valerian murmurs sadly.

.

It takes some time for Nayeon to calm down. By the time she finally does, she is extremely dehydrated and drained. Valerian has to slowly nudge her back to bed, jumping up and curling his body around Nayeon as she does. The nurses come in to insert the IV tubes back and inject morphine into her system that turns her lethargic.

_ Mina’s alive, _ Valerian says wistfully. _ I can feel her sometimes. I think we’re bonded now. _

He presses further when Nayeon stays silent. _ Nayeon, you know what this means right? _

_ Don’t, _ she warns him with a hysterical edge, gripping the bed sheets tightly. _ Don’t say it. _

Valerian knows his human isn’t ready to hear it but between the two of them, someone has to be brave.

_ Arctic foxes are monogamous. When they find a partner, they mate for life. You _ know _ what this means, Nayeon. _

Nayeon pushes the heels of her palm onto her eyes, tries to stop the onslaught of visions invading her mind, thousands of different memories pertaining to the same girl with a constellation of moles on her face and the clues she’s been trying so hard to ignore.

Valerian’s voice is grave and cutting when he tells Nayeon the words she’s been trying to avoid, a judge carrying out his final verdict.

_ You love her. You’ve loved her since you were seventeen and now, after what you’ve done, we both are going to love her until one of us dies. _

.

"I knew you would make it, _devushka smerti._" is the first thing the blind man says when he visits her at the hospital the next day, hands guided by Krovopuskov, both ready to collect their overdue payments.

Nayeon warily watches as they tread closer. "How did you know?"

"In the folklore of many cultures, foxes represent transformation and trickery, an animal associated with spiritual powers. But isn't it ironic? How you hate your daemon's form but he's the reason why you made it alive."

.

( “Nayeon, call me unnie!”

“No,” she deadpanned, ignoring the older girl clinging to her arms as she carefully placed desserts onto her plate. Mina’s mother made the best tarts ever and she intended to get them before Momo sweeps everything clean.

Sana whined. “Aw, come on! It’s my birthday and this is my party. You have to do as I say!”

“I’m only here for the food.” she drawled.

Sana huffed in indignation and promptly disentangled their arms, pouting with puffed out cheeks for a full minute before she got serious again.

“You’ll take care of her right? While I’m gone?”

Nayeon furrowed in confusion. “Shouldn’t you direct this question to Jeongyeon? She’ll attend the same university as us and she’s Mina’s girlfriend, which means they’ll be with each other 24/7. Besides, our universities are only 2 hours apart. It’s not that far, Sana.”

Sana picked apart at a tart on Nayeon’s plate, pinching some of the crust so that it crumbled into pieces.

“Mina reminds me of a penguin. There’s just something about her that makes me want to protect her. Maybe it’s because I’m her older sister and I’ve always been there for her. Until you came along.”

Nayeon hummed in acknowledgement. Momo had always been content to let Mina be, trusted their youngest sister enough to come forward when she had troubles in school. But Sana was different. She had always been very protective of Mina.

It took Sana a while to warm up to Nayeon in the beginning, the way the older girl was always eyeing Nayeon’s every move towards Mina like a hound dog with a game, no doubt courtesy of the wildfire rumors she had heard, before she realized Nayeon was harmless. And then, as quick as lightning, Sana had gone back to her bubbly personality, always smothering Nayeon with skinships. Nayeon still wasn’t sure which side of Sana she preferred. Even Sana’s daemon freaked Valerian out.

“Graduating and leaving her alone in that high school was hard.” Sana admitted. “But I feel reassured when I know she has you. Even before Jeongyeon.”

“You’ll take care of her for me right? Promise me.” Sana insisted.

There was desperation creeping in her tone that confused her but this conversation seemed important to her, enough for Nayeon to withhold her sarcastic remarks.

“I’ll take care of her.” she said quietly, faltering for a minute. “You have my word, Sana unnie.”

Nayeon would think about this during her lowest times, turning and scrutinizing and backtracking, wondering if there is something that she could’ve said or done differently to prevent the incident. So that Mina would never have to learn to live on with only two thirds of a heart. )

.

Valerian gets agitated. They're recuperating from the wound but it doesn't stop Valerian from prowling. He moves back and forth inside the hospital room, burning holes on the floor, bushy tail straight. The sight makes her dizzy but Nayeon is still too tired to tell him to stop. The constant nightmares of her best friend's death coupled with her injury has drained her before the sun had even begin to rise. 

_ We need to go home. It's been three weeks, _ he voices the elephant in the room. _ Mina needs us. Staying here without her presence feels wrong. _

Ever since the ritual, Valerian has been more attuned to Mina's feelings. It sounds petty but she couldn't help the jealousy spiking every time he mentions Mina. Valerian used to be Nayeon's but now he's _ theirs_. He's a part of Mina now. Nayeon can feel the deep longing her daemon has for Mina, the urge to stay close to her. 

Mina is everywhere, even when she's not here. She's in her nightmares, in Valerian and in her thoughts, especially when her mind is particularly addled with the morphine the nurses administered during the times when the pain gets too overwhelming. 

There is a collar around Nayeon’s neck and Mina has her by the leash.

.

Mina sends her a text using Jeongyeon’s phone. It’s ten characters and two words; not a plea but a command.

_ Come home. _

“Where is home?” Nayeon wonders out loud as she looks at her phone screen. Nayeon had houses before, one foster place to another before she settled with the Ims but she never had a home to come back to. 

After all, you can’t make homes out of people. It took Mina’s death for Nayeon to learn that painful lesson.

.

It is almost midnight when she lands in Seoul.

The first thing she does when she comes back is to look for her best friend. She finds her curling on her bed, sheets haphazardly strewn around her small frame.

Nayeon sinks to the carpet, hands balled into fists to prevent herself from reaching out to her. She lets the sight of Mina’s face burn behind her eyelids, the constellation of her moles, her long eyelashes that brush against her gaunt cheeks and her pink chapped lips. Her chest moves, a slow and steady pattern. Mina looks exhausted and ill, gangly with sharp bony edges as if death had been leeching onto her. There is an inexplicable ache behind her ribs at the thought and it twists deeper than the dagger that the other Nayeon had driven through her flesh.

But Mina is alive and well and Nayeon will never regret doing what she did.

Nayeon kneels there for hours, until her limbs ache and the golden nascent rays of sunrise slits through the dark curtains, touching Mina’s skin like a lover’s caress. She sees her cue to leave when Mina slowly stirs, stuck in that trance state between wakefulness and sleep.

.

Jeongyeon is already cooking breakfast in the kitchen when she descends the stairs the next morning, mouth watering at the smell of fried kimchi rice. Jeongyeon is the best cook between all of them and it’s a welcoming scent after all those Russian hospital food Nayeon had for the past months.

Nayeon sets the table for three and waits patiently for Jeongyeon to plate it. They discuss quietly, about Mina’s recovery and her diet. Nayeon thinks she is still too thin and they both agree that hiring a nutritionist might be an option later in the future if she still doesn’t gain weight. She recalls about her trip to Russia as briefly as possible; the weather, the language and the people there. She skips about the ritual and Jeongyeon doesn’t pry but Nayeon knows she has to give her friend _ something _ so she settles with the most obvious.

“Valerian is an arctic fox now.” Nayeon states matter of factly.

Jeongyeon’s eyes dart towards her daemon lying down on her feet, hesitating. 

Nayeon and Jeongyeon have a relationship that is hard to explain. They’re not exactly close but they’re not strangers either. There is a mutual respect and camaraderie that was bound to bloom after years of orbiting in the same circle. Back when Mina and Jeongyeon were still dating, Nayeon and her had worked like a well oiled machine. 

When Mina got upset about her grades or had a bad day, Nayeon knew she had to stock up the ice-creams and Jeongyeon would bring over her Lego collections or rented DVDs, the three of them stretched out in the living room as they tried their best to distract Mina. And because Jeongyeon is Jeongyeon, the three of them still hung out once in a while with Nayeon as the mediator to ease the weird tension between the ex-lovers, during the weekends and after days of painstakingly coordinating their schedules. Yoo Jeongyeon had turned from an anomaly to someone Nayeon knows she can rely on.

“Jeongyeon, it’s okay. You can ask.” she reassures her.

Her friend admits, “Momo and I did notice that your daemon shifted but I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk about it. Is that normal?”

“It’s rare but there have been cases of it.”

“What caused him to shift?”

Nayeon’s lips thin. “Extreme emotional distress or trauma.”

Jeongyeon’s fingers twitch, fidgeting for a moment before she extends them out to hold her hand on the table. It’s an invitation but Jeongyeon would never push.

“Well, I’m glad you’re back, Nayeon.”

Nayeon squeezes her hand in gratitude. “Thank you, Jeongyeon.”

.

( _ “jeongyeon, you must think i’m crazy but this will work. i can bring her back.” _

_ “i believe you.” ) _

.

As someone who has an aberrant daemon such as Valerian, Nayeon has mastered the necessary art of evading crowds and people to perfection. She knows when to craft an elaborate excuse with euphemism and how to find the least used routes to leave a place early.

It’s trickier when the person is Mina.

It takes every fibre of her being to stay still when Mina suddenly slips into the bed beside her one night, cold hands clutching the back of her shirt like a lifeline and forehead pressed against her neck.

“Nayeon.”

Even the sound of her name sounds sad.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” 

Nayeon wills her breathing pattern to stay normal.

“I miss my best friend.” Mina whispers into the silent night, like a forbidden secret.

But Nayeon has the biggest secret between them.

. 

_ There are long fingers wrapped around her throat and chin, nails digging so deep, her jaws almost snap in half. _

_ "Look at me," says the voice as it shakes her frame violently, breath reeking of rotten flesh and putrid acid. _

_ Nayeon doesn't want to. Doesn't want to see her fear reflected in the blackened pools. Her eyes prickle with unshed tears as she stares resolutely at the other Nayeon's left ear. _

_ "Why did you even bother saving her," the other Nayeon taunts. "What could you possibly gain from saving her? Are you expecting her to love you? Your own parents can't even do that." _

_ The dagger slips further into her flesh and she heaves back a choking sob. _

_ “Who could ever love a girl who is the harbinger of bad omen?” _

Nayeon jerks awake from the nightmare at the wet touch on her neck. She fumbles her hand around but the bed is devoid of her daemon and Mina. Foreign invisible fingers run through her spine and it causes Nayeon to involuntarily moan in pleasure. 

Dipping inside their connection, Nayeon reaches out to her daemon. _ Where are you? _

_ I'm with Mina. Did you have another nightmare again?, _he asks, a wave of concern rolling off from his side. 

_ It's fine, _ Nayeon reassures him. _ Is Mina, _ she dithers, _ is that her touching you? _

She understands now that the wet touches are because the other girl is crying, tear-streaked face nuzzling Valerian's neck and fingers buried into his back. 

Nayeon should feel disgusted and violated. Her father had touched her daemon once, while he was extremely enraged. He had dangled Valerian by the scruff of his neck and Nayeon had plummeted to the ground as her world tilted, her stomach lurched with nauseating agony and her heart felt like it had been split open with a jagged knife. 

But this is different. Mina's gestures are nothing like her father’s. She flushes at the intimate touches laid on her body, trying to suppress the bouts of arousal coursing through her veins like wildfire, bucking her hips instinctively on the mattress. She buries her face into her pillow and desperately tries to grapple her thoughts about her best friend's warmth instead, a warm blanket on a rainy day and her tinkling laughter, refuses to let her mind turn one of Mina's weakest moments into something sexual. 

It takes a long time but it works. The wildfire recedes into innocent licks of candlelight flame and Nayeon is slowly lulled to sleep again. 

. 

"I saw Sana touch Aeryvor once, under the cafeteria's table."

Nayeon furrows her eyebrows. "Dahyun's daemon?" 

Valerian nods. "It didn't look painful either. Dahyun seemed," he ponders, "pleased about it?" 

"You remember what happened with father. How can touching someone's daemon be pleasurable? It's forbidden." she wrinkles her nose at him, aghast. But that was exactly how it felt like when Mina touched Valerian. Pure unadulterated pleasure that left her boneless and gasping. Nayeon doesn't understand how that's possible.

"Aeryvor said it's normal between longtime couples, especially in private."

The two stay silent, mulling the theory together as they walk towards the grocery store. It's been three years since Nayeon last drove a car.

_ If we're bonded, maybe the feelings are amplified?, _Valerian offers.

Nayeon sighs, kicks the pebble with her shoes in frustration. _ But that’s the thing. Mina and I are not together. _

The words taste bitter on her tongue.

_ Better fix that part soon then, _Valerian yips. 

. 

Nayeon steps lightly into the living room. When she finds it vacant of people, she picks up the remote from the coffee table and proceeds to sit herself onto the couch. 

Nothing catches her attention. She flicks through hundreds of different channels but her mind is occupied. It’s been months since the ritual and her body is still tired. The lack of sleep is taking a toll on her, plagued by the nightmares and stress.

There are a pile of assignments due within the next two weeks that she still hasn’t finished. Nayeon’s father was gracious enough to let her daughter take a leave of absence from university to go astray for a few months but his patience will run thin eventually. Nayeon is in her final year of degree and as soon as she’s stepping out to the real world, she has to work under her father’s company. It's imperative for her to maintain her grades. 

Momo’s face appears through the front door while she is deep in thought.

“Nayeon? What are you doing here?”

Nayeon gestures to the open TV. “Just watching some stuff. Mina is not here right now.”

With one hand balancing her body, Momo pull her sneakers with the other before rearranging it neatly inside the rack. “I know, which is why I’m here. We need to talk.”

Nayeon looks at the older girl tentatively. 

Momo plops on the couch on her left and her raccoon daemon scampers to follow, body elongating into a stretch as he settles on Momo’s lap. Nayeon relaxes slightly at the other daemon’s body gesture. This isn’t an attack.

“I just want to know what’s going on with you. Mina and you have been so distant with each other lately.” 

“Nothing is going on.” Nayeon replies with an edge. “I’ve just been busy with my final year. Mina understands that.”

“It’s not just about Mina. After you came back from Russia, you’ve been… different. Tired. You never talked to Jeongyeon or me about what happened beyond the list of instructions you gave us.”

It’s at the tip of her tongue. “I don’t know.” she wavers.

“For a while now, I haven’t been the best sister ever since Sana—” Momo’s voice thickens with sadness, ”well, since what happened. And I know you have an estranged relationship with your parents and you’re closer to Sana than me but if there’s anything bothering you and you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Nayeon, you’re like family to us.”

Her throat burns, a telltale sign that she's about to cry. All Myoui sisters know that family is a sensitive topic to her. Nayeon grits her teeth and wills her waves of emotions to simmer down so she could speak coherently. She flits her eyes to the other girl and she sees Momo looking back at her with patience and encouragement. Her heart caves in.

“The ritual.” Nayeon starts raggedly. “He said there were three obstacles I had to go through before I could get to Mina. The first, I’m still managing and the second,” she shudders as she thinks back through the agonizing pain of the dagger wound, “is done but the third. The third was the worst.”

“What was it about?”

“Sana. It was Sana.”

The air surrounding them stills. Dahanain whines, kneading his front paws as he picks up Momo's distress. 

“What do you mean by that?” Momo breathes.

Now that Nayeon’s secret is out, it’s like she couldn’t stop spilling. “Mina was in a state of purgatory. At the end of that, she was supposed to move on. And Sana was there to bring her forward.” 

“When I saw the two of them, I couldn’t—” she sobs, “I didn’t know what to _ do_. I couldn’t take her away from that, not after what happened. Momo, you should’ve seen them. They look _ so happy. _But then Mina insisted that she would come with me and I—”

Nayeon is shaking too hard to continue. She is so disgusted and ashamed of herself. When Mina agreed that she would follow Nayeon back, she had felt so _ relieved _that Mina chose Nayeon. 

_ What kind of best friend I am_, Nayeon spits. _ Who forces Mina to choose between her own sister and me? _

Nayeon had seen what grief did to Mina. How it ate Mina alive, gnawed at all her wounds and sucked out all the happiness from her best friend. She became different after that. And then, because Nayeon was lonely and selfish, she had dragged Mina back to the world of the living.

_ I'm the most selfish bitch in the entire world. _

Momo tugs Nayeon gently into a hug and whispers placating words into her ears as Nayeon continues sobbing, card her fingers through her hair. 

"Does Mina remember?" Momo asks. 

Nayeon shakes her head. "I don't think she remembers anything from that time. It's like her memories were wiped out."

They sit there quietly, hearts both heavy after the serious talk before Momo interrupts again. 

"You love her right? My sister?" 

Nayeon swallows at the loaded question. "Love is a complex terminology."

"Sana was right about you." Momo smiles wryly at her. "You have a really low EQ."

Nayeon looks down and picks at the crescent shaped scabs around her palm absentmindedly. "I dragged her back from the dead and bonded us for life because I was lonely and did it without her permission. I don't think I deserve her. Mina could go far, without me. And my daemon..." she trails off.

Momo pushes her chin up with one hand. She remembers the other Nayeon had done the same thing but Momo's action is careful and compassionate. 

"You brought my sister back from the dead. You suffered and sacrificed a lot for her. Your souls are bonded and yet I've never once seen you pressured Mina to do anything she doesn't want to. And you know Mina never cares about what your daemon looks like. If there's anyone who deserves my sister, it's you Nayeon. Now, _ talk to her. _Communicate."

.

_ Her brain pulsates in agony, cerebrospinal fluid leaking through the spiderweb fissures along her skull. _

_ Vermillion pools inside her mouth and lungs that causes her to drown. _

_ A clear voice in her mind that says _ stupid girl. you stupid brave girl _ and a white rabbit that bursts into a nimbus of golden dust at the edge of her peripherals. _

_ There's a small girl staring at her, with big doe eyes and a prominent dimple on her left cheek. Mina has the sudden urge to just– _

Nayeon presses the heels of her palms further into her eyes. The combined onslaught of her best friend's memories and Valerian's yelpings are awful. She is a full glass of water that keeps sloshing around and spilling all her emotions bare. She squeezes the steering wheel of her car tightly, wills herself to compartmentalize her emotions into tiny boxes and stuffing it into the recess part of her mind until she is alone and coherent enough to analyse everything. 

Soft circles around her left bare thigh anchors her back to reality. She slumps her shoulders and melts into the driver's seat. Mina is staring back at her, the sunlight hitting just right, turning the sweetly intense brown of her eyes into liquid bronze. 

"I need you to drive me to the university. Please." Nayeon croaks in a hoarse voice. 

_ Because I can't drive with the memory of you dying and bleeding all over the pavement. _

. 

Valerian is angry with her. It's hard not to notice when she can feel the bubbling annoyance as they walk back from the professor's office to the car, tail straight and shoulders stiff.

_ You're making Mina sad_, he grumbles. _ Talk to her. _

Nayeon feels betrayed. Her own daemon, who owns parts of her soul. Her only partner in the whole world. Siding with someone else.

_ I'm not siding with anyone, _ Valerian simpers. _ But Mina was dead. And then she woke up, three years of her life gone, without her daemon and her best friend missing for months. She's sad, lonely and hasn't had the time to properly mourn her losses. Momo has work and Jeongyeon has her hands full with her club. More than anything, she needs you. _

Nayeon remembers Jeongyeon had said something similar when she had called her once, right after the successful ritual. It feels like a lifetime ago. 

_ You need to face the consequences of your actions, Nayeon. It’s time to be brave. _

. 

Like all the times before, Myoui Mina never ceases to surprise her.

( Mina has always been braver, between the two of them. )

Mina kisses her first and Nayeon swears she can taste sunshine on her tongue, an explosion of nectar. She tenses, balling her fists to the sheets so she can stop herself from reaching out to Mina. _ I’m not worthy. _

But then Mina tugs her hair insistently and Nayeon yields, the way she always does when it comes to Mina.

She frames her best friend’s face gingerly in between her hands, stares at the face that she’s been longing for the past three years, in her dreams and in her nightmares.

Nayeon wants to try. She wants to be brave, too.

The first thing she hears when she lifts the barrier between their connection is Mina’s one thought, loud and determined.

_ I would never use Nayeon the way the Ims and the others did. _

Nayeon is sure this is what happiness feels like.

. 

_ “One day,” Mina begins in a hushed voice, careful not to wake up the slumbering Nayeon as she brushes the soft wisps of hair away from the girl’s face illuminated from the moon, hauntingly beautiful and devastating, “I hope you’ll wake up and realise that you have people who love you. Me, Sana, Momo and even Jeongyeon. And I hope you’ll realise that you are enough. You’ve always been enough, Nayeon, just the way you are.” _

.

Even though they're taking things slow, Nayeon couldn't stop the nagging feeling she's been having. She is aware that grief can change a person's perspectives. After all, it had taken Mina to die for Nayeon to finally admit her romantic feelings for the other girl. But Mina had _ loved _ Jeongyeon. Nayeon still remembers the way Mina's eyes had shined when she talked about Jeongyeon. 

"What about Jeongyeon?" Nayeon wonders out loud as they're running a marathon of all the Marvel movies Mina had missed. 

Mina frowns at the sudden question. She stops the TV and turns back to face Nayeon who immediately loosens her arms around Mina's waist. "What about her?" 

"Don't you love Jeongyeon?" 

"Oh, Nayeon." Mina laughs, somewhere between fondness and exasperation as she swipes her thumbs across the apples of her cheeks. "You can love more than one person in a lifetime. My mother told me that you date other people and you learn things from them, so that when the _ right time _ comes, you'll be the right partner for the right person.”

She sets her hands to help Mina steady herself, always careful, as Mina pushes herself so she could straddle Nayeon. Mina's fingers skim lightly at the raised ugly scar on her abdomen under the shirt and Nayeon soaks at the kisses Mina gives, laced in apologies and _ thank yous _ and promises_. _

She breaks their kisses and moves to sit on her hip again. "You know, when I was younger, my mom also told me that love is about sharing a burden together. I like that we have these marks as reminders of that."

Their momentos from the ritual are different, like day and night. Mina has the paper airplane shaped mark from the necklace on her wrist, innocuous and obscure; the same way that Mina's actions are always quiet but meaningful. Nayeon's mark is an ugly thing, a two inch jagged scar that is still pink and livid that only Mina has the right to see, in the same manner that Mina is the only person Nayeon will raise heaven and hell for. 

.

“I Googled about soulmates last night.” Mina admits shyly. “There was this article about Plato’s symposium. Aristophanes said that Zeus was threatened by humans so he commanded Apollo to cut them in halves. That’s why humans felt empty and longing for something, because they haven’t found their other half, someone to heal the wound inflicted by Apollo.”

They stop walking. Mina traces the skin of her wrist. “Since our souls are tethered together, do you think we’re soulmates now?”

Nayeon’s rebuttal comes easy and steadfast. “I don’t believe in soulmates. The gods took you away from me in the first place,” Nayeon moves tenderly to press a thumb at the mark seared onto Mina’s wrist, recalcitrant and a complete opposite to her voice that is ladened with the fury of an inferno, “and it wasn’t the gods that helped me brought you back from the dead. When you heard the rumors about me, why didn’t you leave?”

Mina lets out a soft wistful smile, understanding gleaming in her eyes. “I wanted to see for myself if you’re really as they said you were.” she murmurs.

“Exactly. The choices we make are our own. Fuck the gods and fuck soulmates.”

.

There are good days and bad days. On bad days, Nayeon would be fractious from the lack of sleep and entirely impervious both physically and mentally; lost in her own thoughts, the screaming ghosts inside her head like clapping thunder and her door locked for hours. Mina would be quieter than usual, Sana and Camelai’s absence a splinter under her flesh; a constant reminder that she’s here, _ alive _and how she has to carry on for the rest of her life without them.

But there are also good days. The little things, like how Mina finally learns Morse code and would brand secret confessions onto Nayeon’s skin as the latter stares back at her with a fierce adoration that rivals a thousand suns.

Or how Nayeon doesn’t mind when Valerian would rather spend most of his time with Mina, sprawling next to each other at the foot of their bed as Mina plays with her latest mint green Nintendo Switch that Nayeon had bought for her while Valerian watches with rapt attention and wagging tail. 

It’s not a perfect life but it’s enough.

They have each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap to this fic! i hope no one cried reading this. i made Valerian changed forms to emphasize that while the journey into the underworld had traumatized her, it wasn't enough to change who Nayeon was at her core. 
> 
> i don't know if it's necessary but you can use the tag #TWICEdaemon if you want me to see your thoughts/reactions! which scene do you like? which sentence makes you emotional? i would appreciate any constructive criticism that you can give me! thank you in advance for reading this!
> 
> i prefer reading more than writing so check out my thread of fave twice fics here: https://twitter.com/dblckparade/status/1213298256966373376. they're all very talented authors and i wish nothing else but for them to get more recognition and love.
> 
> feel free to recommend me some fics ^^
> 
> my twitter: @dblckparade if you wanna rant/etc  
curiouscat: https://curiouscat.me/dblckparade

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I k worded Misana ;_; 
> 
> The last time I wrote a fic was in 2015 so I'm very rusty and I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. This is also the first time I tried writing fics about idols in general which is kind of terrifying because there is no blueprint that I can rely on in terms of characterizations. Please also excuse the Russian language and location. I just Googled a complicated place and used translation for it.
> 
> devushka smerti - death girl  
Non compos mentis - not sane or in one's right mind.
> 
> I would appreciate any constructive criticism that you can give me! Thank you in advance for reading this!
> 
> my twitter: @dblckparade if you wanna rant/etc


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